I’ve been booted.

Oh the horror!

Oh the shame!

The thing is huge and unwieldy. Weighs a ton too. All these foam pads and Velcro straps. Robert called it my Darth Vader boot, because it’s black. I called it a totally annoying piece of bullshit, because it is. I pretty much have to keep my leg right below my body in order to walk in it. I nearly fell in the office when I first tried to stand up! And I’m supposed to wear this thing as much as possible? It’s got an air pump and bladder system like those fancy sporting shoes do though, so that’s fun to play with. It’s even got this huge release valve to let the air out with. It feels something like slowly crushing your foot with balloons and then deflating them. Definitely holds your foot still though.

I wore it ’till 2 am then took it off. Super uncomfortable to sleep in and it was actually hurting my foot, but that may have been purposeful. I dunno if it’s supposed to be hurting because it’s holding my foot in a more specific position or not. I need to message my podiatrist about that. See what she says about it.

I think the women at the front desk may have been flirting with me? I’m really not good at reading that sort of thing, like at all, but when they started complimenting my shirt I knew something was up. One of them said the blue really suited me and that sort of sent me into an episode. Mildly though, I might add. I’m pretty sure I started blushing like crazy and acting like a little kid. Then the other chimed in and agreed. I told them I usually try to dress to blend in with the background and they told me I was obviously failing today then.

Compliments and me tend not to mix well. I felt rather uncomfortable and embarrassed but also somewhat flattered. It was a weird situation all around and not something that I encounter often. They were still doing it when I was on my way out. Not that I have any interest in women to begin with but it did make me feel a bit better. Especially with my new Franken-boot.

Dentist later today. I have a cleaning in the afternoon. Then tomorrow morning I’m seeing a specialist optometrist about my left eye and then around noon I’m going in to see the cardiologist. They’re going to be doing a stress test on my heart. I’m pretty sure I’m just going to be doing the liquid test rather than the treadmill one. I mean, Vader boot and all, what else are they going to do? I’m going to be happy when it’s the weekend and I won’t have anything to do for a few days. I don’t usually have more than one day in a row when I do anything. Three days in a row with an early morning doctors appointment? Phew! How sad is that folks? How sad is that?

How can it only be January 3rd? It feels like I’ve already been running around like crazy. Crazy for me that is. Is that a good thing? Is that a bad thing? I guess I’ve been feeling stressed out, especially about all of my doctors appointments and most assuredly about my foot. That seems to be under control though now I need to worry about my weight more, since I can’t really even walk, and how the hell am I supposed to get any exercise? Another month stuck on my ass. And against my will this time, I might add. I’m going to have to schedule more rides.

I need to start getting ready for my next appointment. It’s not for several hours yet but I need a good 2 hours to get ready, then they’re going to pick me up about an hour before hand, and then… no, that’s it. It really does take me a while to get ready though. I don’t primp and preen, it just takes me a bit. I hate rushing when I’m getting ready. It actually makes me uncomfortable and I need a bit to calm down and center myself. I’m an absolute nightmare when it comes to last minute situations. If I’m not already ready for some other reason, it ain’t gonna happen. Not within the time frame you may want it to happen, anyway.

Okay! Enough delaying! Get up and start getting ready! Get up! Go on! Times a wastin’! Just get on up and start pulling yourself together! Go get in that shower you wanted to take! Brush those teeth! Get those clothes on and that… that boot! Go on! Get up!

Or…

I could take a nap and come up with a halfway believable excuse? I can always pull the broken foot card. I’m sure that one will be good for quite a while.

Oh I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll think about it for a while while I lay here in my warm and comfy bed rather than getting up and getting ready and…

Am I the only one not buying this or is no one else either?

Morning All!

It’s January 1st, 2019 at 8:17 am. I woke up at about 7:30 am and I’m feeling good so far. Took my morning meds and did a quick rounds of all my internet sites (excluding any news sites) and I’m ready to see where today takes me.

Found out that Excel had a nice pre-built spreadsheet for monthly finances with a pretty graph and all kinds of numbers and averages. It looks neat and it’s really easy to work with. I might see if I can add another page so I can insert individual transactions as it only accepts totals right now and I’d rather be able to have a listing of each individual transaction for clarity’s sake. Other than that quibble, it’s prefect. Simple and to the point. Just what I needed. We’re already freaking out over our fast food numbers. Did I call it or did call it? I should freelance as a psychic.

My podiatrist finally got in touch with me yesterday. She was actually out of the office until Monday but she sounded rather worried and told me to absolutely stay off of it as much as possible. She specifically told me that she was going to double book an appointment for me tomorrow, Wednesday, at their other office because she needed to see me as soon as possible. She told me the break I have tends to be really slow and difficult to heal and the best way to deal with it is to immobilize it. So she’s going to fit me with a “boot”. Hopefully I’ll actually be able to do things again after that. If I can at least go to the YMCA and use the weight machines I’d be happy.

I will say that something feels off though. I don’t have a headache, I’ve actually started getting things done, my doctor is rushing to help me out, and… Just what the hell is going on here? Life is actually being nice for once? Am I dying or something? That must be it. I’m dying. Or, or I’m going to get hit by a bus or run over by a train or wild pop musicians are going to rip me limb from limb. Something terrible is coming. I can feel it. Because it always does.

But for now I’ll go with the “everything is cool” facade. I’m going to lure life into a false sense of security and then… I dunno. Robert wants me to bake a cake for our friend, Wayne’s birthday that’s coming up. I’ll probably just do that.

Enjoy the New Year all… While it lets you.

DUN! DUN! DUN!..

It’s Monday?

Up all night last night. Robert begged me to stay up with him because he couldn’t sleep. He eventually went down around 3 am. It’s currently 7:30 and I’m still awake. I think I’m going to try to stay up the rest of the day and hopefully crash some time this evening. I need to put my foot down with Robert and get my sleeping back in order. What better time than tonight? The last night of the year leading into 2019. That can be a resolution for me, to get my sleeping back on track so I can function during the day. It’s not fun when the twitching hits me from lack of sleep. Not fun at all. Robert is literally snoring behind me. One of these days I’m going to take a pillow and… fluff it up for him. *Sigh*… I need to learn to be more ruthless.

New Years Eve it is. What are my plans? The same as they are every other day. I was supposed to see the chiropractor today but with my foot I had to call off as I would have had to have taken an Uber or Lift and we really can’t afford that right now. I was planning to walk, until I discovered the break. By then it was too late to schedule a ride through my insurance as they require five business days in advance. I would have only been able to give them three. All of my other appointments are set up though, right through the 16th I believe. I’ll call and schedule more soon. I didn’t want to completely overwhelm the poor woman who ended up helping me.

Monday is usually the beginning of the work week for most people. For me, it’s simply another day. In fact, it tends to feel more like an extension of the weekend. Around these parts a lot of places aren’t open on Monday for some reason. Instead, they tend to be open on Saturday and then close on Sunday and Monday. Why? I have no idea. All the libraries around here are closed on Monday as are many small shops. There’s a bee store and an antique shop a few blocks away that are also closed on Monday. It’s definitely not a universal situation but it’s often enough to draw interest in the peculiarity of it. I really should look into why that is. Not today though. Maybe tomorrow when the new year starts, along with the new me.

I’m trying to decide if I want to wait until after my birthday to renew my ID. I mean, it’s already been like two and a half years since I lost my last one. With my birthday being in less than a month and the number of years it remaining valid being based on your birth date and not when you renew it, waiting until after my birthday would give me an extra year before I’d have to renew it again. I think that’s just an excuse to put it off for a few more weeks but it’s an excuse that at least makes some sense. Not much, but some.

My body feels like it’s vibrating. That’s one of the symptoms I get from lack of sleep. I get twitchy and I feel like I’m vibrating inside. It’s a weird feeling, and it’s all throughout my body. I can especially feel it whenever I close my eyes. There’s this feeling of pressure forcing them out against my eyelids as they vibrate wildly. Any kind of loud noise tends to make me jump or shudder as well. If I’m going to actually stay up today, it’s going to be a long, hard trial. And I’m going to have to deal with Robert as well.

I emailed a friend of mine today for the first time in months. That reminds me, I have another friend I need to email as well. I think it’s been more than a year since I emailed him. I’m absolutely terrible at maintaining relationships. I just forget about people unless they’re in the forefront of my mind, such as I’m doing something for them (like computer work) or they’re coming over and inserting themselves into my life. I don’t mean to lose track of them, it just sort of happens. Days blend together and become weeks then months then years. Honestly, I really don’t see it happening until it already has. If that sounds selfish and self-absorbed then guilty as charged. It doesn’t seem to be anything I can help though as it just happens. What I need to do is figure out how to keep it from just happening, whatever that means.

We’re going to start keeping receipts as well. We’re always broke and never seem to know where our money goes. I’m going to look for some money management software and, failing that, I’ll build a spreadsheet and deal with it by hand. I still remember some of how to do that from a class I took in high school. Shouldn’t be too hard to brush up on the basics and then go from there. Money is a huge issue with both of us and we really need to get our spending under control. A month of keeping track of our fast food receipts alone will probably give us a heart attack.

It’s cold this morning. I’m cold. Another symptom of my lack of sleep. So we have twitching, sensitivity to sound, vibrating, sensitivity to cold, and I’m also starting to feel a stress headache coming on. Wow is today going to be hard. I just talked to Robert about setting a curfew, as in at 10 pm all electronics go off and both of us get in bed. He reacted less than favorably to the idea. Actually, he sounded rather angry at the mere mention of it. It’s going to be hard getting myself to do this at all but if Robert is going to be actively fighting me on it I’m not sure what I’m going to do.

I should eat something and take my morning meds. It’s a little after 8 and that’s when I want to start waking up. Might as well start acting today like I’m on my new schedule. It’ll make it easier tomorrow when it (hopefully) really begins. But first I have to sort my meds, as I didn’t do that yesterday, the smarty smart that I am.

This already has disaster written all over it and it’s not even New Years until tomorrow. Oh well, that’s not much different from my life every other day of the year.

It’s Sunday!

You know, I realized I make my life sound absolutely terrible when the reality is, it isn’t. spend much of my time doing nothing. I wander the internet reading. I rarely engage as, and I know I’ve said this before, it’s simply not safe unless you’re willing to compromise your integrity and say what everyone else wants you to say. I’m not going on another internet tirade, though I easily could, just stating a fact.

Here’s how a usual day for me goes:

Of course we all start by waking up. For me, that depends on how late I was up the night before. Often, Robert will insist that I stay up with him for company. He sleeps really irregular hours and I get dragged into that more often than I’d prefer. So by morning I’m either waking up, or just getting to bed. We’ll pretend that I’m waking up, as that’s what’s happening today.

I wake up and then… Well, usually I spend several hours on the internet doing next to nothing. Read a few sites I follow, do some searches, feel betrayed by myself and the world when I inevitably see other people with actual lives actually doing things. And I’m in bed the whole time still. The bedroom is our main social area. We have a living room but don’t really have anything in it. A coffee table with a record player and our fake Christmas tree we bought at Walmart on it and a broken futon comprise the furnishings.

After waking up and playing on the internet for hours, Robert then wakes up. This will usually be around noon or even as late as 3 or 4 in the afternoon depending on when we went to bed the previous night. This is when we’ll talk about getting something to eat. I’m trying to break myself of eating late at night but it’s really hard and Robert keeps snacks by his bed so I’ll often hear him snacking away in the middle of the night when we’re both supposed to be sleeping. Now then, we’ll talk about food but may or may not actually eat anything. Either way, the TV goes on at this point and much garbage is watched.

Chores are then decided upon for the day. These may consist of dishes, vacuuming, sometimes laundry, sweeping, mopping, the usual. I despise dishes so Robert usually does those. Laundry is my chore. I vacuum most days, as Robert gets really O.C.D. if I don’t. He sweeps outside and we take turns sweeping and mopping inside. I do all of the food preparation but getting Robert to help clean up afterwards is like pulling teeth.

Whether we eat or not, much garbage TV is watched from Netflix to our cable DVR to, ahem, downloaded videos. We spend most of the time more talking over the shows than actually watching them. Rewind is a godsend, especially when one of us is talking and we miss something important or especially funny. We’ve been watching Soap recently. It’s an amazingly hilarious show from the late 70s/early 80s. We both agree it’s the Drawn Together of its time. Saw a huge amount of protests and backlash as well. People are so dumb and never learn.

More TV, lots of chatting, food is gotten at some point, Robert continually asks me to do simple things that he could easily do for himself, I whine then usually do them anyway. After we eat a nap is often taken. This would be around 2 or 3 in the afternoon on a day when we wake up around 10 or 11 in the morning. We lay down. Robert sleeps. I play online. I finally start to get sleepy and Robert wakes up ready to watch more trash TV. I get up annoyed that I didn’t get to sleep myself, but relent and watch crap with him.

Leading into the early evening there is talk about showers or brushing teeth. Sometimes they happen. Sometimes not. Sometimes I shower in the morning instead. Either way it’s discussed but no definites are decided upon. Then one or both of us decide to do something and that will often interfere with whatever the other wants to do. I want to take a shower, Robert decides he wants to brush his teeth or use the bathroom for some other purpose. That kind of thing.

This is also when we’re deciding if we’re going to eat again, or at all if we haven’t eaten yet. Sometimes we will have come up with an idea for something earlier or the day before, but that often will get thrown out for something easier or quicker. Usually Robert will decide he doesn’t want to have to deal with a lot of dishes so will tell me to throw something in the oven or run around the corner to Taco Bell, even though he knows it gives me terrible gas.

Then we eat, or eat several hours later. Anywhere between 5 and midnight. Sometimes even later. More trash TV is watched. More complaining about chores is done. More begging me to do simple things occurs as well, which I eventually capitulate to if only to get him to shut up. And of course sleep is often completely ignored until one of us actually feels like doing it. Then the negotiations begin.

If it’s Robert ready to sleep I just roll over and get on my laptop until I can fall asleep as well. If it’s me ready to sleep… Since Robert sleeps very odd hours and can actually operate on as little as two hours a night, it becomes an issue for me. I need several hours, eight or nine in a straight line, in order to feel awake. Robert, not liking that, will complain and beg. He really gets lonely even if it’s only to keep me up on my computer while we’re doing completely different things. He always wants me to stay up with him. Sometimes I get to sleep when I want. Often I’m up half or the whole night with him. Snacks will be consumed during this time as well.

Then we go to sleep (or not) and the cycle begins anew.

More recent breaks involve doctor’s appointments and Robert’s group that he attends every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday in the afternoon. I’m usually at home getting things done that I can’t while he’s around. You know, “things”. They shall not be named in specifics.

I suppose you could call this a “charmed life” as I have little want and little worries outside of bills and rent and, you know, not dying. Either way, I’m simply not happy. I’m not happy with it and I’m not happy with myself. Especially now with my foot keeping me down. I’m supposed to be going to the YMCA while Robert is at group. Instead, I’m still stuck at home, but this time not by choice. And I still haven’t heard anything from either of my doctors of what they think I should do.

I think I’m going to roll over and try to get some more sleep before Robert wakes up. Gotta remember to sort my meds for the week when I get up as well.

I hate my life.

And myself.

And my life.

Did I mention myself?

Why Am I?

I’ve been posting a lot recently, huh? I don’t know why. Actually, that’s not true. I know why. I get this way when my headspace is all clogged up, like it’s been for the past two, three months.

Keeping a journal or blog or whatever has always been very hard for me as often I can’t see the need for such a thing. Of course there have been plenty of times when I’ve looked back at some specific event or time in my life and wished I had kept a journal or log but in the moment it’s never felt necessary to me.

For decades I’ve been starting blogs, keeping them for a while, to better or worse standards, and then simply dropping them. I had (have?) one on Blogger that I was keeping rather well in regards to my diet, exercise, and overall health. I stopped posting to it about a decade ago. Not for lack of interest but because certain events in my life made it impossible to continue. My last post made mention of some of them and I’m sure sounded rather bleak. The eventual outcome turned out to be as bad as I had feared. I should really look and see if I can find that blog again.

Eh… Tried to find my old Blogger blog but had to do an account reset. Now I have to wait a few days to see if they’ll give me access back. Gah! I hate when I lose login info like that but it’s completely my own fault.

Now I’m just laying here. I’ve been rather cold recently. I usually like the cold but I just feel so run down and exhausted all the time now that I can’t enjoy it. It seems to be seeping into my bones. Making me feel achy and just not comfortable at all. I’m wrapped up in two blankets and I’m still not feeling warm enough. Maybe I’ll crawl into my comforter. I’ll be much warmer in there.

Speaking of bones, I have a broken one in my left foot. I know exactly when and where it happened (December 4th while walking home from my appointment with the chiropractor) even though I didn’t know about it until Christmas day. I went in for x-rays on the 14th, of which the office gave me a copy of the images on a disc. I didn’t think to look at them as I was sure I wouldn’t have a clue as to what I was looking at anyway, let alone whether I could even view them.

Finally, Christmas day I decided to try to boot them up and have a look out of some sort of macabre interest. Lo and behold there was an image viewing program on the disc as well. After a bit of experimenting to figure out how the program worked (hint: not well) I noticed something in one of the pictures that caught my eye. A little bit of zooming and the fracture was plain to see. It wasn’t a crack. It was an out right break.

I don’t think I’ve ever broken a bone before, and for three weeks I literally didn’t realize that I had. Sure my foot had hurt and swelled up majorly (still is swollen somewhat to this day) but it never really occurred to me that I had broken anything inside of it.

Now I’m waiting to hear from my doctor as to what to do about it. I’m supposed to stay off it of course, but what else should I do? I messaged them Christmas day knowing that I wouldn’t hear from anyone until the following day. That next morning I got a message from a nurse confirming the fracture in the x-ray and told me that I would be hearing from the podiatrist shortly. It has now been about two and a half days since I received that message and no one has contacted me back about it. I’m beginning to wonder if I should go back to the emergency room again. I just don’t want this to get any worse than it already is and walking for three weeks on a broken bone must not be a good idea.

Just one more thing to add to the growing pile of issues that have been holding me back from doing pretty much anything as of late. My anxiety and depression have been flourishing and now I have to stay in bed for fear of doing irreparable damage to my already screwed up foot. This has got to be a joke. It really does. I’ve only been able to visit the YMCA a handful of times in the past almost two months that we’ve been signed up there, and the membership fee ain’t all that cheap. Something literally does not want me going there right now and it definitely isn’t my imagination.

Anxiety and depression are one thing, they come and go constantly with me. More coming than going though. But then I started having low blood pressure issues. Now that those seem to have been solved (looks like it was that medication after all) I break a bone in my foot and then spend three weeks walking on it without knowing about it causing god only knows what all kind of damage. I’m sure I sound hokey but come on. Really? What else has to happen before I accept it? Do I need to be hit by a truck?

Either way I’m laid up for a while now and… I still need someone to get in contact with me to tell me what I should be doing about it. I don’t know if it needs to be set or if I need a cast or screws or plates or whatever. I just don’t want to end up making my foot any worse than it already is. Someone needs to get back to me like now already!

Feeling pretty tired. I’ve been trying to fix my sleeping schedule but it’s been being rather difficult. I wanna take a nap right now real bad. It’s probably because I’m laying down under a warm blanket but that really can’t be helped. A nap wouldn’t be that big of an issue, right? I’ll just sleep a little and see how I feel when I wake up. Maybe I’ll eat something then too as I’ve yet to eat anything at all today. Maybe I won’t though. It’s going to be super hard dealing with my weight while I’m convalescing.

Things just can never be easy for me, can they

The 40 Year Old Ver-… I Mean, Child

I suppose I should say it feels strange to be middle aged and still feel like I’ve yet to grow up but it’s all I’ve known so the reality is that it isn’t strange to me at all. I don’t even know why I’m talking about this other than the fact that I was offhandedly reminded of it by a web comic. Everyone else gets to grow up except me.

I’ve been told that’s not necessarily a bad thing though. That everyone wishes they could be a kid again now and then. It’s bullshit. They want to be adults with the same responsibilities as a kid. They don’t really want to be kids again. I know I don’t want to feel like this any more, like I’m faking everything. The worst part is, I still look like a kid. Or did anyway, before the great hair recession. Now I look like a kid on chemo. The universe has an interesting sense of humor.

So… My health is still weird. Low blood pressure incidents still happening from time to time. They’re definitely tied to exercising. Why? I’ve no idea, just that that’s when they’re most likely to happen. I’ve talked about the eye thing, right? About how my optometrist now thinks it’s just a genetic situation? If I haven’t, I have now. Yep, random genetic chance that I might be going blind in my left eye. Add that to the 20% hearing loss I have in both ears and I’m well on my way to playing Helen Keller in an off-Broadway musical about her life. Or on-Broadway. Not that I would be able to tell the difference either way.

Did something terrible to my left foot yesterday. Yeah, left side again. I was walking home from a doctor’s appointment when I felt like I stepped on something, like a small stick, that crunched under my weight. I remember it felt odd, and for some reason seemed to hurt a little bit, but it didn’t seem like that big of a deal. Cue several hours later when I got up from a bit of a rest. Well… tried to get up anyway. Putting any weight on my foot was excruciating. This morning my foot was hugely swollen. Still is. So now I’m laid up in bed hoping that this isn’t something worse than–I actually have no idea what. Something literally crunched inside my foot. I don’t even want to imagine what could have caused that.

I’ve been trying to get my foot and ankle x-rayed for a while now. Finally got the paperwork all sorted for that yesterday. I think I’m going to go down and get that taken care of tomorrow morning. Perfect timing, I hope. Or terrible timing. Or whatever honestly. I’m really losing interest in all this crap. One step forward, ten steps back. That’s what it feels like anyway. When does it get better? Easier? When does the effort start to pay off?

I’ve been lied to.

Again.

Is it too difficult?

I’m really fighting myself these days.

For a month or two there things were going very well. I was exercising daily, and a good amount at that. Was (and still am really) keeping good track of my blood sugar and what I’ve been eating. The past week or so though, much less exercise and even though I’m still charting my sugar readings and meals, my glucose levels are slowly going back up again. It’s nothing terrible just yet but it’s becoming rarer to see a reading below 100 when before that it was common place.

Am I really already falling away from this? I have a habit of focusing on something for a while then dropping it completely. I really can’t do that here. I have to find a way to keep myself motivated. I haven’t dropped everything but I’m starting to procrastinate. Even charting my sugar readings and writing down my meals. I am still doing it but I’m not doing it right away, instead tending to wait a while.

When I first started I had to take a migraine pill every day as it was the only way to deal with my body revolting against me, well… actually doing anything as it wasn’t used to me moving. I stopped after a while as I felt that I didn’t need them any longer. I started taking them again yesterday. I know they’re not good for me and they’re especially bad for my blood pressure but I need something. If things continue down this road I’ll be laying in bed eating chips while surfing the ‘net all day again. I already have neuropathy in my hands and feet and damage in my eyes. Things simply can’t continue the way they have. My physical health is really in danger. It’s not something that may happen in the future. It’s happening right now.

But neuropathy, blindness, kidney damage… Is their threat enough to keep me going? Can I find something else to help drive me? I need to. I really do. I’ve been fading so fast this past week. I don’t know. I just don’t know. Got about a week or so before I start going to the YMCA. I was hoping to get in there while I was still extremely functional. Now…

At least I’ll have something to talk to my psychiatrist about when I see her. I’m sensing a new prescription in my future. How long will this one work? I wonder if I’ll even really care.

The tightness in my head.

I feel like I’m backsliding. I was doing so well for a while there, a few weeks, month or so. Now. Now I don’t know any more. Physically, psychologically. I was holding up really well there. When I saw my psychiatrist last I used a very specific word: Competent. I was actually feeling competent for a while there. Today I can say for certain that I don’t feel that way any more.

My health issues, my eye, those aren’t the only things dragging me back down. I’ve also been trying to get other things done, like finally signing up for the local YMCA that I’ve been talking about doing for years now. Was planning to be going regularly by now but… One stupid form that I’ve been waiting for for weeks now, that was supposed to be here within 5 to 10 business days. I think I’m giving up on it finally. I mean, if the form shows up sometime in the next few days I might be able to muster enough interest to still sign up and… I dunno. I just don’t really feel like I care anymore either way.

There always seems to be something trying to hold me back. I suppose to normal people these would be simple issues that they could easily deal with but to me they feel like signs. Signs that I’m on the wrong track, that I’m doing something wrong. And once my head gets wrapped around that idea it’s nearly impossible to change it.

It’s just so exhausting to try and be continually rebuffed by, well, everything. I don’t have the will nor the tenacity to deal with it. I’m old. I’ve always been old. I’m tired. I’ve always been tired.

Just leave me alone.

So everything sucks now!

Apparently the running murderous joke that I sometimes refer to as my life (rather than the unending torment that it actually is) has decided to throw another wrench directly at my already disfigured only-a-mother-could-love-well-not-mine-but-someone-else’s-who’s-actually-human-on-some-level face.

I’ve been in an amazing relationship for the last eight plus years but now it appears that it may be coming to an end. Neither of us want it to end, and I’m not even sure what I’m going to do if it does, but things are not looking good.

One of us did something bad.

The other said it was over if it happened again.

It happened again.

I’ve never been in this kind of situation before. I’m not sure what’s going to happen but I know that I was terrified at first but now I’m just starting to feel numb. I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing.

I saw my new doctor on Friday. I really liked her. I hope I can keep seeing her.

I wonder if I’ll ever post here again.

Well, that lasted!

Back into little-to-no-interest-in-doing-anything mode it seems. That was very quick and very short this time. I wonder why. Usually I can get some few weeks or maybe even a few months out of it but this time I think it lasted less than two weeks all together. I’m not happy about that and wondering if something’s wrong.

I haven’t actually been to see a psych doctor in almost a year now. There was a weird situation about this time last year and I ended up being dropped as a patient from my existing doctor. Usually that would be because of something I did but apparently it was some sort of paperwork issue on their end. So as usual when anything goes wrong, I dropped into hibernation mode until I could manage to muster the will to actually deal with the problem. So I finally go to sign back up with them only to find out my insurance doesn’t cover them any more. For some reason I was still covered while I was going there (since things changed while I was already a patient???) but now I can’t go back. I have to find a new place.

HIBERNATION!!!

And that’s where I’ve been in regards to dealing with my mental health since late last year. I don’t know when I’m going to be able to pull enough interest together to actually deal with it again. I’m already dragging my feet on signing up for a new primary care physician that’s closer to where I live and that’s not good. Being insulin dependent means I should never be without a doctor and yet here I am… doing nothing.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be bipolar. Actually having periods in your life when you feel GOOD and are able to get stuff, any stuff, done? I think it would be a lot better than simply feeling a little less like total crap for a while before sliding back down the pole of self-doubt and self-hate to the point where brushing your teeth feels like an insurmountable obstacle.

My emotions are sneaking up on me.

I think I’m going to go take shower now.

It’s harder to hear sobbing over running water.

…

How can I stop hurting people?