I feel like I’m backsliding. I was doing so well for a while there, a few weeks, month or so. Now. Now I don’t know any more. Physically, psychologically. I was holding up really well there. When I saw my psychiatrist last I used a very specific word: Competent. I was actually feeling competent for a while there. Today I can say for certain that I don’t feel that way any more.
My health issues, my eye, those aren’t the only things dragging me back down. I’ve also been trying to get other things done, like finally signing up for the local YMCA that I’ve been talking about doing for years now. Was planning to be going regularly by now but… One stupid form that I’ve been waiting for for weeks now, that was supposed to be here within 5 to 10 business days. I think I’m giving up on it finally. I mean, if the form shows up sometime in the next few days I might be able to muster enough interest to still sign up and… I dunno. I just don’t really feel like I care anymore either way.
There always seems to be something trying to hold me back. I suppose to normal people these would be simple issues that they could easily deal with but to me they feel like signs. Signs that I’m on the wrong track, that I’m doing something wrong. And once my head gets wrapped around that idea it’s nearly impossible to change it.
It’s just so exhausting to try and be continually rebuffed by, well, everything. I don’t have the will nor the tenacity to deal with it. I’m old. I’ve always been old. I’m tired. I’ve always been tired.
Just leave me alone.
Saw the Optometrist on Thursday for my diabetic eye screening. Been several years since my last one because “me am lazy” and hate myself. Damage has advanced as expected. She called it… something I can’t remember all of a sudden. Basically mid-range.
And then the other shoe dropped.
Massive amount of scaring in my left eye right next to the optic nerve. NOT related to my diabetes at all, she was absolutely certain of that. Had me retested TWICE to confirm it. Have no idea where it could have come from but I may end up going blind in my left eye because of it. Made me another appointment for next Thursday to check it out again to see if it’s “active”. Her word. Said I may need to see a specialist and–I know she wasn’t trying to frighten me but she seemed really, really concerned–may need injections in my FUCKING EYE BALL!
Again, no explanation for any of this. She asked me several times if anything had happened to my left eye recently, as any optometrist I had seen before (and I saw one a few years ago) wouldn’t have missed it so it had to be something recent. I can’t think of anything so now I have some phantom scarring in my left eye.
Did I mention she was really concerned by all of this? Especially since there didn’t appear to be any cause for it?
It hit me yesterday that it may be related to whatever all is happening to the rest of the left side of my body. My ankle, leg weakness, sciatica, screwed up left arm, and recent loss of muscle on the left side of my face. It fits in perfectly with all of that, whatever it is. Considering before that I had only had a mild astigmatism in my right eye and still have perfect vision when using both eyes, it’s really the only thing that makes sense.
Seeing my doctor again in a few weeks. I have to find out what’s going on with me. Things can’t continue like this. I can’t continue like this. It’s like whenever I start to get up life kicks me right back down. I’ve actually been taking care of myself recently too! Watching my blood sugar, getting exercise. And now this happens. And I’m starting not to care anymore… again. Why should I? It all turns to shit in the end anyway.
What in the ever-loving FUCK did I do?! Go piss on someone else’s life for once universe! PLEASE!
I just… I can’t take this anymore.
I don’t know what I’m doing any more. I’ve been trying so hard for so long to be everything to everyone and now I don’t know how to be me to myself. Everything that I am exists in relation to how others see me. What others want or need from me. I don’t know how to do this any more. I want to get out. I…
I wonder if I’m even going to post this.
Sure. Why not? Not like anyone cares. Not even me.
When it’s quiet that’s when things go really wrong.
Disaster after train wreck after insert-euphemism-for-everything-in-my-life-has-been-steadily-falling-apart-with-no-time-to-rest. Oh sure, I’ll have a day or two here and there to make me believe that everything is starting to calm down, to sort itself out finally. But no, that’s when the real fun starts. When I realize that the universe was just saving up the good stuff or taking some extra time to really figure out the best way to stick it to me.
There needs to be Novocaine for emotions. I’m just so exhausted and wiped out and… I don’t even know anymore. I just want some quiet, inside and out.
I can’t have that though. Nope.
So, back when I was in junior high, I think it was ’91 or ’92, I screwed up my leg. It was the outside of the lower part of my left leg. You see, for P.E. we were partaking in tug-o-war for some idiotic reason. During one of the matches I ended up pulling so hard and by virtue pushing my foot so hard into the ground. that I felt a tearing sensation on the side of my leg next to my calf. Contrary to my gym teacher’s objections I decided to sit the rest of the period out as my leg felt numb and very warm.
Several decades later…
I didn’t realize just how much damage I had done or how it would later impact my life and what I could, and couldn’t do with it. Eventually I started having issues with my ankle bowing out and my left foot getting weak from time to time. Years later I developed excruciating sciatica. With that still on my plate I’ve now developed what I expect to turn out to be a pinched nerve in my upper back, which has lead to a painful restriction to what I can use my left arm for. Both my left arm and my left leg are noticeably smaller than my right and now the right side of my face appears to be getting smaller than the left as well. Who would have thought that a simple tug-of-war injury that didn’t appear to be an issue for years would lead to me being unable to really use the left side of my body?