I feel like I’m backsliding. I was doing so well for a while there, a few weeks, month or so. Now. Now I don’t know any more. Physically, psychologically. I was holding up really well there. When I saw my psychiatrist last I used a very specific word: Competent. I was actually feeling competent for a while there. Today I can say for certain that I don’t feel that way any more.
My health issues, my eye, those aren’t the only things dragging me back down. I’ve also been trying to get other things done, like finally signing up for the local YMCA that I’ve been talking about doing for years now. Was planning to be going regularly by now but… One stupid form that I’ve been waiting for for weeks now, that was supposed to be here within 5 to 10 business days. I think I’m giving up on it finally. I mean, if the form shows up sometime in the next few days I might be able to muster enough interest to still sign up and… I dunno. I just don’t really feel like I care anymore either way.
There always seems to be something trying to hold me back. I suppose to normal people these would be simple issues that they could easily deal with but to me they feel like signs. Signs that I’m on the wrong track, that I’m doing something wrong. And once my head gets wrapped around that idea it’s nearly impossible to change it.
It’s just so exhausting to try and be continually rebuffed by, well, everything. I don’t have the will nor the tenacity to deal with it. I’m old. I’ve always been old. I’m tired. I’ve always been tired.
Just leave me alone.