Ambivalent

That’s how I feel right now. I’m not really caring for anything. It all feels numb. It all feels so far away and impossible to grasp. I don’t want to anyway even if I could. I don’t want to. I don’t…

Went to get some adjustments done to my shoes today. I got my ankle brace a week ago but it was too big to fit in my shoe with the insole they had made for me. So they sent me home with a thinner one and told me to use it for a few days then come back in and it would show them how to build a new insole that would work with it. They literally made it there in the office while I was waiting today.

I was also having problems with the brace rubbing against the front and side of my leg. He recommended that I get taller socks. All my socks are currently ankle socks. I knew I was going to need taller socks though anyway. I went ahead and ordered a nice bunch of diabetes socks off Amazon… along with a few other things *ahem*. They’re supposed to be here Tuesday. We’ll see. But if that doesn’t fix it he told me to come back in and he’d reshape the top part of the brace so it won’t rub any more.

He also did a bit of reshaping on my shoes. Well, the left shoe anyway. Said the brace was pushing my foot up into a smaller part of the shoe and compressing my toes. I’m so used to shoes doing that kind of crap that I didn’t even really notice. He did though, just by looking at the shape of my shoe. So he took it, reshaped it a bit, and as soon as I put it back on I noticed a very large difference.He did a lot of work for me today and as long as the rubbing issue gets solved I shouldn’t need to go back for another six months.

Why six months? Because they needed to make me an insole from scratch and that’s how long my insurance will make me wait before I can get another one. I have another one for the right but I need to go back in to get another left insole made. I talked about it with him for a bit and he basically told me that I’ll need to get a new prescription from my podiatrist for it, but yes I will need to come back in in six months for them to make me a new one.

God this foot situation is just SO annoying.

Not much else to talk about really. This sucks. That sucks. I sucks. Everything sucks, It’s all terrible or boring or… I just… I’m just not happy. I don’t feel much of anything any more other than sadness and regret. Regret that I exist at all. I take up space. I take up resources. And for what? I’m just a lump that lays there. Trash. Garbage. Useless. Just waiting for someone to come along and throw it away. Throw me away.

I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t know why I exist. I can’t seem to find a purpose and all the ones I can wrap my head around are horrendous. Is my purpose simply to continue to exist as I do? Day in, day out, doing the same thing until eternity comes for me?

I’m falling asleep. My body doesn’t want to deal with this any longer. Time to escape for a respite in that world that exists in your dreams. That world that I know exists, I saw my REM sleep pattern from my sleep study, but I can never truly experience. It’s out there. I know it is. But I’m not allowed to remember it for some reason.

Tell me your dream. Tell me any dream. I don’t have any of my own. I’m not allowed to for some reason. I angered someone somewhere and they took them all from me. All my dreams. All of them. All gone.

All gone.

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