Lost along the way.

I think I fried a hard drive last night. I’m absolutely terrible with my own personal PC equipment, especially since I decided years ago that all of it was essentially disposable. I never keep anything that important digitally. If I’m afraid of loosing something I keep some sort of hard copy or learn to let it go. So, last night I watched a rather boring documentary on cult films with my friend Wayne, moved my laptop without looking where I was going, and spilled a glass of water on an external hard drive that wasn’t hooked up but still in a rather stupid location. Only time will tell if that 2 TB drive will survive. I’m going to let it sit for a week or so and then check it. And I literally just finished filling it about 3/4 of the way full. Ugh…

Health wise, physically anyway, things are interesting. Right now I’m just waiting on my diabetic shoes. The doctor I saw about them told me that I really needed some specialized insoles to correct the angle of my feet and that they may even help with my sciatica. They’re supposed to be in in a few weeks. My sleep study went well, but I do have sever sleep apnea. Very sever if my results are anything to go by. A score of 1-5 is considered normal. 5-15 is considered mild. 15-30 is considered moderate. Anything above 30 is considered sever. Guess what mine was… 72.6. And that number represents the number of apneas you experience per hour. So I experience more than 1 a MINUTE on average. They’re worse during REM than non-REM. I already have another appointment to have a week long home study done using a CPAP machine but because of the virus that won’t be happening until the end of July.

Emotionally and psychologically… I dunno. Most people are weirded out about not being able to go outside. I almost never used to go outside before so very little is different for me. I just… I can’t seem to find anything I want to do again. I try to muster up the interest but it’s never enough even to get started with anything. Everything feels completely and totally pointless. I feel completely and totally pointless. I’m back to just laying in bed all day watching bad shows online or wandering websites literally designed to waste your time.

When I was in my 20s’ I had a LiveJournal (a what, grandpa?) and I used to make semi regular updates to it. Far more frequently than I do on this damn thing. Anyway, I remember I posted something about the world just not understanding me. Someone responded to it by telling me that I was too old to still be acting like an angsty teenager. Well, I’ve grown up since then and not only do I still feel the same way, I now realize that I don’t understand myself. My existence is pretty much me just trying to find things to do so I don’t focus on that. Nothing’s been working lately though.

Do I want to start writing again? Yes! and no.

How about studying programming? I could totally… not do that either.

Instead, I’ll just watch this show on Hulu that I’ve watched something like a dozen times before. I can recite each episode line by line and yet is seems to be the only think keeping my interest right now, how little and fleeting that may be. I’ve even got a couple of new games which I have yet to even boot up let alone play. I just can’t get myself to deal with anything outside of repeats and sleeping.

This is not a good, comfortable, or healthy place for me to be in. Can’t seem to break out of it though. Can’t seem to fight it. Something will flicker but that’s it, just a flicker, before it’s gone again. It’s so far away. Everything. Everything that I care about. Everything that I could care about.

Feeling tired again.

Guess I’ll just sleep some more.

Why not?

There’s nothing else to do…

Its Ugly Head

I’m not sure what I’m doing. I’m beginning to feel depressed again. Well, I’ve always felt depressed but I’m starting to slip into a deeper depression than I usually experience. I feel pointless. I feel useless. Why am I here? Why do I exist? I’m just a burden on everyone. All that I am, all that I do. None of it matters.

I feel so lost and tired. I’ve been looking back at my past and seeing all the missed chances. Sometimes it feels like I purposefully sabotaged my own life. As if I was trying to keep myself trapped here on purpose. Why? I don’t know. I just know that I don’t want to be here and yet I can’t seem to escape no matter what I do. I’m wrapped in a cocoon of failure and regret that tightens and tightens whenever I try to break free of it. It won’t let me go. Or is it that I won’t let me go? I don’t know, and I don’t have the faintest clue what to do about that.

After my high school dropped me due to absenteeism I ended up going to an adult school in order to get my diploma. That, combined with taking the GED, led to me finishing high school only a semester later than I would have had I not been dropped. My teacher at the adult school really liked me. She liked me so much in fact that she told me that she had a job for me if I wanted it. She was going to hire me as a tutor. I was so excited. I was graduating high school and I already had a job offer! I took my graduation forms and went home ready to come back and accept her offer.

My mother said no. Instead I would start college the following year. It didn’t matter that that was still half a year away and that I could have worked at the school until then. She had decreed that I was to go to college and nothing else was going to get in the way of that.

And I acquiesced. What else could I do? I didn’t have the foggiest idea of how the world worked. I had been sequestered in my room for so long that I had very little experience with anything. I had no idea that I had let her steal one of my chances away from me. I simply gave it to her because I didn’t know any better. Instead, I ended up working nights for a crappy private security company.

Things like that have happened to me so many times in my life. An opportunity presents itself and I either don’t recognize it, run and hide from it because it scares me, or I let someone else (usually it was my mother) interfere or steal it from me.

Now I’m middle age sharing a one bedroom apartment with someone who’s even crazier than me. Don’t get me wrong, I love Robert, I just feel trapped sometimes. And there’s this overwhelming feeling of failure always hanging over me and everything that I do. Nothing goes right. Ever. Even when things aren’t a complete failure they come out twisted or distorted. Like my life is being reflected in a fun house mirror.

The music is inside of me. Other people look and they laugh. I look and I cry. I don’t see what they see. I can’t be what they are. Bury it. Bury it all. Smile for the people. Everyone loves a clown.

Everyone loves a clown.