All things have a beginning and all things come to an end. This chapter of my life, of my existence, is coming to an end.
I lost him. I’d talked to him just the night before, heard the TV come on around midnight because the volume was too loud. He looked like he was sleeping when I found him the next day. He was just lying there like I had seem him do so many times before. All I was doing was passing through to get to the bathroom. I looked at him briefly intending to be on my way. And then I looked again.
We had a sort of ritual, me and him (fuck your grammar). Every once in a while we would nudge each other just to check. I don’t know why we did it, but we did. I touched his uncovered knee and I knew. I knew instantly. Everything fell apart. Everything vanished. I was along. Again. He had left me. I had lost him.
I think it was two or three days before I could even stop shaking. I’ve only been back to the apartment a few times. Once to pick up things I absolutely needed and then to begin packing. I’ve been staying with a friend in the mean time. She’s been amazing. Even came to pick me up at 3am from the ER after I had a really bad asthma attack that the doctor was worried might be covid. I don’t know if I can ever do enough to repay her.
And I probably won’t have the chance. I’m getting out of here. I’m moving hundreds of miles away to move in with an old friend that I haven’t seen since before I met Robert. I can’t stay here. There are too many memories. Too much sadness for me to deal with any longer. I’ve lived in this area my entire life. I often joke about taking people to the hospital I was born at, if it were still there it is. My family, my relationships, my entire history is right here and I need to not be around that any longer.
So I’m leaving. I’m leaving everything behind. And I mean everything. It’s going to be strange, even frightening, but I need to find a new me. This life is over. It’s come to a natural conclusion. Not one I necessarily wanted and certainly not under the existing circumstances but there’s not much that can be done about that now.
I guess that’s it. I can’t say it was a fun ride but I did enjoy some things about it and I’m sure Wayne is going to have a complete meltdown when I actually do leave but, well, I am leaving.
See yah ’round.