What. The. Actual. Hell. I was fine. I wasn’t even paying attention to it. Robert has some music playing quietly in the background because he likes some noise when he sleeps. I’m just here reading random crap online with zero point behind it hoping that I’ll be able to get some sleep myself soon as the past few days have been really hard on me in that regard. I’m not feeling particularly depressed or anything, mostly just really tired, and I just start crying. I know it’s the song that started playing and I know what I was feeling while it was going on. I just don’t know what triggered it exactly. As I said: Just tired. Just reading. Just crying? And as quickly as it came, it vanished again. I can’t really be that easily manipulated by music, can I?

Saw my podiatrist. Foot is healing but not healed. She still doesn’t want me walking on it. Gave me a new, less obtrusive shoe to replace the boot for now. I told her about the blisters and she cleaned them and gave me some supplies to keep up on them. The new shoe is because of the blisters and she wants to see me again in two weeks. I think I’m actually going in on the 19th to be specific. I really can’t blame her because the one on the bottom of my foot is rather nasty looking. I gather the boot will be returning after they heal enough.

Made a bunch of other appointments. Optometrist is tomorrow. Primary care is the 30th. Dentist is in early May. Still need to get that referral for my wisdom teeth done now that my insurance should be sorted. Chiropractor is still on hold until my foot heals more. Not much reason to go since it’s for my back and I’m still not supposed to be walking so… I was really hoping I’d be able to start exercising again. I’m guessing summer by this point. At least I still seem to be loosing weight. Well, fluctuating down I should say. Overall lower numbers are good either way.

Oh good. Another emotionally manipulative song just came on. I think I’m going to be able to sleep here soon. Starting to have trouble typing. When I have to keep going over words because I’m misspelling them over and over or have to pause for a second because I can’t remember how to spell them at all in the first place–. Once, in third grade, I forgot how to spell the word “of”. I actually had to ask the teacher because I kept spelling it “ove” and I knew something was wrong with that but couldn’t figure out just what.

Thirty-some-odd-years later that’s still a vivid memory for me. I wonder why that is. Why would I remember something so insignificant with such clarity and yet forget so many other much more important things. I can remember misspelling a two-letter word when I was nine but I can’t remember my own father’s face, his voice, smell, touch. I can see the shadow but it’s so far away. Was it ever even real to begin with? It’s running from me. Or am I running from it?

Where the hell is this coming from?

I don’t think I’m safe right now.

Better late than…

So about two months have passed since I last posted anything here. Whatevs. I don’t do this for you. I do this so someone rich and/or famous will notice me and give me money. Yeah, that makes total sense.

Got my new foot x-rays finally. Only about a month and a half later than my podiatrist wanted me to get them done. Good news is that it looks like my broken foot is healing. I think. The break is definitely knitting back together but there’s this sort of semi transparent lump around it on the bone. I need to do some research and see if that’s normal. I just hope that it is because I don’t need anything else going wrong with my foot.

Which leads me into a bunch of new issues. About a week ago, after I had set up my appointment to get my x-rays done, I started trying to exercise again. My foot wasn’t really hurting that much so I thought it had to be healing by now so I might as well start again. I was (apparently) right that it was healing but the fallout from me starting to exercise again has been extreme.

I’ve developed not one, not two, but a total of three major blisters on my left foot. The first was when I started exercising again, literally that day, and I think was caused by the way I was walking. It formed on the bottom of my foot near a callous. It’s almost completely healed now. The second was caused by my “boot”, that I started wearing again after my foot unexpectedly swelled up from me exercising. I guess it was rubbing the top of my foot and a rather large blister appeared there. It’s still healing and even feels a little sticky. It’s not pretty right now but I hope it’s getting better.

Blister number three happened like yesterday. I have no idea where this one came from. I’ve been off and on wearing my boot again for about a week now but also not walking any real distance either. Last night I noticed that my foot was really, really swollen under a large callous that I have on the bottom of it. After a bit of limping on it because it was hurting so much, I realized that it was actually a very large blister formed under the entire callous. I don’t know if I did the right thing here but I popped the blister and, after realizing that the entire callous was now slipping and sliding around, ended up cutting it free. So now I have a big, bloody patch of skin on the bottom of my foot. I have a huge bandage covering it and I’m cleaning it out regularly. I just hope I didn’t do something stupid but walking on it seemed almost stupider.

Now I just need to make appointments to see all my doctors again, my podiatrist included. I’m kind of worried that she’s going to tell me that I screwed up with the blister so I’m delaying a bit until it can heal over enough to not look like something from a horror movie. One of the issues is that I have so much neuropathy in my feet that it doesn’t really hurt. I guess that’s going to help a lot with the healing process but it’s also going to be a problem with figuring out if something is going wrong (or wronger, really) with it. Oh well. Too late now to worry about it.

On to more happy things: I’ve lost a good 15 to 20 pounds, depending on how much I weigh on a given day as my weight can fluctuate by as much a nine pounds in a 24 hour period for some reason. I’m down to around 265. And that’s with little to no exercise. That’s also with little to no food, sometimes going an entire day or two without eating anything. Maybe that’s not the best way to lose weight but it’s been working so far.

My blood sugar has been amazing for the most part, probably from the lack of eating. Besides the random spike now and then I’ve been managing well bellow where I need to be. Everyone wants me bellow a 6.5. As of late I’ve been bellow 5.5, which is normal. Meaning I’ve actually been having slightly lower blood sugar readings than people who aren’t diabetic. I’m cool with that. But I still need to be careful. I was down to a 5.1 or 5.2 at one point. That’s too low. I’m usually around 5.4 or 5.5 though. Just checked and I’m reading at 5.3. I should eat something to bring my sugar up a little. I’ll probably just grab one of the sugar sodas we keep in the fridge for sugar crashes. I’ve also noticed that even drinking a whole can will only raise my blood sugar by about maybe 20 points. Whatever I’ve been doing lately seems to be really working for me. Hopefully my doctor doesn’t take that as a sign to cut my insulin or other meds. I’m always worrying about running out before I can get my next refill since my insurance really won’t give me any leeway.

Okay, that’s good for now. I pulled the bandage off the bottom of my foot and I’m going to give it a little breathing time as the skin around it is all white and puffy. Let it dry out a bit then wrap it up for another day or two. In the mean time I’m going to look up and see if the way my broken bone is healing is typical or not.

That’s it.


When all else fails…

I’ve started writing a new post, I dunno, four or five times only to stop shortly into it. I currently have three drafts waiting in the wings that I have no intention of finishing and I know for a fact that I deleted a few already. Will this post make it? I don’t know. What’s it to you? Stop asking me questions! What are you? A cop? You gotta tell me if you’re a cop.

I can’t seem to decide on what I want to write about. My current health is kind of in limbo. I’m stuck waiting until my foot heals before I can really deal with anything in regards to that. I need to call and schedule a ride to get my next x-rays soon too. Monday, really. I’m seeing the podiatrist on February 1st so I need to get them done before then and the ride people require five business days lead time. I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before but arbitrary bullshit always bares repeating. The last time I called them they whined about needing my doctor to fill out a form for them that I was under the impression they already had. I don’t know how often that needs to be done but it can’t be every few weeks, can it? These people really don’t seem to have their act together at all.

In my all encompassing intelligence I think I may have screwed up my foot though. A few days ago I decided that I was sick and tired of being trapped at home and so I went for a short walk. It was raining so I didn’t wear my boot, as it’s mostly made of foam, but I did wear my ankle support. Anyway, it was a very short walk, maybe two average sized blocks in distance, but by the time I got home I was feeling a strange pulling sensation in my foot around where the fracture was. I wondered if it was just my imagination but my foot has definitely been more sore and painful to the touch there as well. I really hope I didn’t screw anything up but if I did and have to start healing all over again it would be my own damn fault.


I saw my shrink finally. It was a strange visit. The whole thing was strange, actually. I was supposed to show up early for group, then see my services coordinator to fill out my yearly re-authorization paperwork, and then finally see the doctor. Well, I go there early for group only to find out that my services coordinator was currently out on medical leave. No one told me why and I didn’t ask. Then, during group, I simply broke down crying. I don’t know why. I think everything has just been getting to me. They had me see another services coordinator and we talked for a bit and then completed my re-authorization.

A couple hours later I saw the doctor, and things got even weirder. She seemed like she was really pushing me to leave the facility. Not that she didn’t think I needed care, but that she wanted me to go somewhere else. To be precise, she wanted me to transfer to my current medical clinic. Now, I get all of my physical medical care at one place but my psychological care at another. My medical place also has a psychiatric care department but from what everyone has told me it’s simply not up the the standards of the facility I go to for my psychiatric care currently. As such, everyone there has recommended that I stay where I am.

This doctor was insisting that I switch over to them. Of course I would prefer to be able to receive all of my care from one single integrated facility but if that means receiving substandard services then I can’t really abide that. Strangely, she also told me that she was thinking about transferring over to my current medical facility. From what I hear, they could really use the help. But still, the whole situation just felt really odd. I’m wondering if the county has told them that they should be expecting to see funding cuts and as such they should cut down on the number of patients they see. It would make sense, but be odd that they wouldn’t simply be forthright about it. They were when a similar situation came up several years ago, although that was thankfully resolved without issue

Anyway, she eventually prescribed me a new medication: Cymbalta. I haven’t started taking it though because it’s currently at the pharmacy and I currently have no way of currently getting there because of my current issues involving my current foot… currently. Robert’s been completely out of commission this entire past week as well. So I’m currently (STOP THAT!) stuck waiting until, hopefully, Monday at the very latest. Robert has group a few blocks from the pharmacy and should be able to pick it up for me then, as long as he goes that is. As I said, he’s been out of commission but hopefully getting better. It’s a wait and see game, and he might yet get worse again before he gets better but you know what they say about clouds: They all have unicorns or rainbows or some such other crap. I dunno. I don’t care either. Fuck the whole goddamn thing.

I guess that’s it since I can’t really think of anything else… currently (WHAT DID I SAY!). Didn’t sleep too well last night but I’m starting to feel like I could pass out again. At least for a little while anyway. Robert’s been snoring up a storm behind me the whole time. Bastard. I really should… pillow… fluff… damn it…

Just once, can’t I be the bad guy?!

Apparently not.

It’s not raining after all.

I’ve been getting some actual good health news as of late. After I saw the optometrist and cardiologist on Friday it was brought to my attention that my body is, in fact, not completely falling apart.

My first appointment was with the optometrist. It was not fun. They dilated me to begin with. I’ve been dilated before and was told the drops might burn but they never did. This time they did. Boy did they. After that they did a quick check on my vision. I’m 25/30 apparently but it was hard to read the chart because my vision was kind of cloudy. I’ve never experienced that before when being dilated but whatever. Then they injected me with dye. I literally didn’t feel the needle. First time ever. Following that, they took a few sets of pictures of my eyes. Then I talked with the optometrist.

First things first, the damage in my left eye? It’s a sort of birth defect. It’s called Torpedo Maculopathy and it’s not dangerous. It just sort of is. But it is rather rare. He said he sees about one patient a year with it. I guess he got his 2019 case out of the way early. Second thing was my Diabetic Retinopathy. He reiterated what my other optometrist stated, called it moderate or something like that. Basically I have damage but it’s not that bad… yet. He told me that if I keep my A1C at or bellow 6.5 it shouldn’t get any worse. My last A1C was 6.4 so I’m already doing good in that regard.

Next appointment was with the cardiologist. Whew! This one was effort, especially considering that I had already been to the optometrist earlier that morning and hadn’t slept well the night before. They did all kinds of stuff to me. First up was an ultrasound of my heart. I got to listen to and watch my heart beat. It was surreal watching the actual valves opening and closing. The technician was a bit dumbfounded at first as she couldn’t find my heart because it was several inches above where it should have been. I told her that my liver was way up high inside my torso as well and that when I had had an ultrasound years before it had taken them a while to find it too. She told me that my organ arrangement was like someone much younger. Apparently as you age your organs slowly drop inside your body but that had not happened with me. I’m not surprised. My body does very strange things. I didn’t ask how much younger though. Things were weird enough as it was.

Then it was on to another dye test. It was some kind of nuclear material, and when they say nuclear they mean nuclear. The vial they brought over to me was in a very large, it looked like iron, tube. So they injected me with whatever it was and then we waited a bit before I went on the most boring amusement ride of my life. It was this large machine that I was sat in that slowly turned over several minutes. It was interesting that it actually had me suspended while it was working but that was it. I joked to the nurse about it not being worth three tickets. I don’t think she got it.

Next was the actual stress test. It was another injection that they gave me all sorts of warnings about. That my chest might hurt and I might feel out of breath or dizzy or other things. The woman before me seemed to have a lot of trouble with it. I mostly just got a headache from it. I mean, I felt it working for damn sure but my worst reaction to it was a headache. It also tasted absolutely terrible. And that was really strange. They injected it into me but I could taste it nearly instantly. A few minutes into the test they gave me a diet coke and then it was back onto the ride again for another set of pictures or whatever the damn thing was doing.

After all that I finally saw the cardiologist. My heart was absolutely fine. No sign of any issues or blockage or anything. He said my squeeze was great but my release was a little weak. It’s easy to fix though. How? Exercise! Of course that would require me to get out of this damn boot.

As a strange aside the people at the optometrist told me that the dye they used in order to take pictures of my eyes might cause some temporary issues. My skin might turn yellow and my urine might be dark or discolored for a few days. Well, I don’t think I turned yellow, though Robert said I did after I told him that it might be a side effect, but my urine did change color. It became a very bright, basically day glow, yellow. It was strange. Had a bit of a bluish-green background, like a highlighter, to it as well. It didn’t last for long and was much weaker the second time I urinated but wow was it strange.

So that’s where I seem to be today, after a weekend of doing absolutely nothing. Other than my moderate Diabetic Retinopathy and my broken foot I’m not in bad shape at all. I mean, I’m still type 2 diabetic and need to lose a good bit of weight but I’m doing better than I would have thought. It’s good to know that some things can actually go right once in a while.






My doctor really, really wants me to see a cardiologist. I’ve had a referral since, I think she said April. I actually went in and had my first consultation and they wanted to do a stress test on me but I ended up being sick that morning and unable to go so…

Okay, let me explain how this all went down in my head. This was before my short stent with being competent but for some reason it’s something that stuck through it, probably because it got pushed onto the back burner as I was busy dealing with other things that I felt were more important at the time.

Anyway, the morning of my stress test I hadn’t slept at all the night before. I mean, not a single wink. I was trying really, really hard not to miss my appointments but this one, being at 7:00 AM, was a lost cause. Problem was, the office didn’t open until 8:00 AM so there was no way to call and tell them that I wasn’t going to be able to make it in. At around 6 or so though I did try to call and got an answering machine. I left my information, told them I wasn’t going to be able to make it in, and asked them to call me back to reschedule. I hadn’t slept in more than 24 hours at that point and now I had anxiety to top it off.

They never called back.

My anxiety grew.

I know I should have been the one to call them and leaving it in their hands was unfair but, well, I’m simply unbelievably horrible with confrontation. So months and months pass. I saw my doctor yesterday and she asked me about the cardiologist and I explained my predicament.

She offered to call for me.

I felt like an even bigger failure than usual.

Who in the hell needs their doctor to call and make appointments for them because they’re too afraid to do it for themselves? Me apparently. But… not as well since I told her no. That I would be the one to deal with it. It was my issue and I needed to confront it. She told me to email her when I did and to let her know if they gave me any trouble.

I really like where I am now. I really like my doctor. They’re very kind there. Sympathetic. They really have no idea what they’ve gotten themselves into by taking me on as a patient.

Other than that, everything else was great. Blood work came back almost perfect. The issue with my kidneys is gone. Cholesterol is very good, though my HDL is still lower than it should be. Only other issue was my hemoglobin was a bit low but she didn’t seem worried about it. And my A1C was a 6.4. That’s more than a full point lower than it was the last time it was checked. I think it was a 7.6 then. Should have been lower still but I had a few weeks there where I was bad and even stopped checking regularly.

I’m still dreading making this call. Why am I doing that? I don’t know. Nothing about me makes any sense. Never has, never will. Now then, it’s almost 5:00 AM and I’ve been up since 3 yesterday afternoon… That sounds terrible but I can assure you it’s even worse. I’m going to get some rest and hope my nerve holds out.


I really, really hate me.


Yeah, I was going to continue my terrible life story but I’m just not in the mood right now. I don’t know why but I’m feeling really sad. I mean, I almost always feel sad but I feel sadder? I’m not sure how to explain it. It’s a sadness that’s oppressive and controlling. You want to move. You want to escape. You want to live. But it’s shadow just holds you down.

I decided to wait on getting my feet x-rayed and I’m going in tomorrow morning to finally do it. I made a new appointment with the podiatrist for early/mid January. Hopefully something good will come of this but she told me she really needs an MRI of my feet and that’ll be the next step.

That felt like a pun. It wasn’t.

Low blood pressure weirdness continues still. Most people have the opposite problem. The weirdest shit always happens to me. Like when I had to take my wife (I’ve never been married) to Florid and have her institutionalized. Yeah, I should wait on that one. It’s a really, really weird story and I’m not going to tell it right now. Think of that as a teaser. Or not.

My blood sugar has not been the best recently. I have an app that can predict your A1C based on your past 15 days of readings. I was around a 5.6 to a 5.8. And then I started stress and depression eating. I finally entered enough readings for it to predict again and it’s up to 6.6. I wouldn’t really be surprised if it was. The way that I pork when a depressive episode really hits me is insane. I actually have two levels of eating when depressed: Everything and nothing. Everything is fine. When I hit nothing is when I need to go to the hospital. I once spent two weeks in bed and lost nearly twenty pounds. I was still living with my family at the time. No one even came to check on me.

Goddamn it I shouldn’t be thinking about that. I already feel like I’m being crushed. Adding the weight of my family and their bullshit will reduce me to dust. Let the wind blow. Blow me away. I can fly… I can fly.

I can feel it. It’s there, always, just beneath the surface. The ugly, scared surface of the persona. The empty void where shadows of shadows dwell and remnants of souls retreat to die. A noisy place of stretching and aching, desire and wanting, loathing and contempt. Bones crack and slide. Teeth gnash and shatter. Marrow, lapped up by half starved wild dogs longing for something or… just longing.

It burns there.

I burn there.

So I’m not dying.

Not yet anyway.

Saw the optometrist again. Said my eye looked better but still can’t figure out where the damage came from. Wants to see me again in about a week from now to continue observation. She said if it looks any worse or doesn’t show any signs of improvement that she’s sending me to a specialist. I’m still really worried about it but at least things haven’t spun completely out of control.

The podiatrist is sending me out for x-rays. Both feet and ankles. She said I have to get x-rays first then an MRI before she can really start treating me because of insurance issues. She said she’s pretty sure she knows what it is and that I’ll need a specially made orthopedic support for the rest of my life but I still have to jump through all the hoops before hand. It’s stupid and a HUGE waste of money having me do all this other stuff but she said there’s no way around it. Insurance requires these specific steps in order for her to treat me the way she needs to… and several wasted months in the mean time as well.

Next up was the dentist. Apparently my teeth are in really good shape. Except, that is, for the wisdom tooth on my bottom right side. It came in at a 45 degree angle and over the years has caused a major issue. A cavity has formed on the molar in front of it where the two teeth touch. It seems to be partly under the gum line, which will make it very hard to deal with. In the mean time, he wants to pull that tooth as well as the wisdom tooth above it. And since my top left wisdom tooth is missing a mate (I never developed a bottom left wisdom tooth) he wants to just have them all pulled at the same time. Told me most people have them pulled in their early 20s’ but mine didn’t come in until my mid-to-late 20s’.

Back to insurance issues again though. He can’t actually refer me out because of my insurance so he gave me a list of dentists I can contact myself to see if I can get the work done. That, or I can sign up for some dental specific insurance. I’ll probably end up doing that as it will simply make things easier but again, nothing but wasted time between now and then. I’m not really looking forward to having three teeth pulled either way but the sooner would probably be the better.

The one thing going at least semi right seems to be my diabetes. Sugar readings have been much improved. Been loosing (?) weight. Finally got all my paperwork into the YMCA only to be told the week the paperwork stated it would take would actually be more like two and to come by again if I don’t hear from them in three. Ugh… It always seems to be something. But things are moving so that’s good. Been really tired lately and I still feel like I’m fighting myself to get anything done but something is better than nothing. I just hope that something becomes a real something soon.

No appointments this week though, for the first time in quite a while. Instead, fall cleaning. And I still have to shampoo the carpets. Sooooo tiiiiired…

I’m gonna take a nap.


Saw the Optometrist on Thursday for my diabetic eye screening. Been several years since my last one because “me am lazy” and hate myself. Damage has advanced as expected. She called it… something I can’t remember all of a sudden. Basically mid-range.

And then the other shoe dropped.

Massive amount of scaring in my left eye right next to the optic nerve. NOT related to my diabetes at all, she was absolutely certain of that. Had me retested TWICE to confirm it. Have no idea where it could have come from but I may end up going blind in my left eye because of it. Made me another appointment for next Thursday to check it out again to see if it’s “active”. Her word. Said I may need to see a specialist and–I know she wasn’t trying to frighten me but she seemed really, really concerned–may need injections in my FUCKING EYE BALL!

Again, no explanation for any of this. She asked me several times if anything had happened to my left eye recently, as any optometrist I had seen before (and I saw one a few years ago) wouldn’t have missed it so it had to be something recent. I can’t think of anything so now I have some phantom scarring in my left eye.

Did I mention she was really concerned by all of this? Especially since there didn’t appear to be any cause for it?

It hit me yesterday that it may be related to whatever all is happening to the rest of the left side of my body. My ankle, leg weakness, sciatica, screwed up left arm, and recent loss of muscle on the left side of my face. It fits in perfectly with all of that, whatever it is. Considering before that I had only had a mild astigmatism in my right eye and still have perfect vision when using both eyes, it’s really the only thing that makes sense.

Seeing my doctor again in a few weeks. I have to find out what’s going on with me. Things can’t continue like this. I can’t continue like this. It’s like whenever I start to get up life kicks me right back down. I’ve actually been taking care of myself recently too! Watching my blood sugar, getting exercise. And now this happens. And I’m starting not to care anymore… again. Why should I? It all turns to shit in the end anyway.

What in the ever-loving FUCK did I do?! Go piss on someone else’s life for once universe! PLEASE!

… please.

I just… I can’t take this anymore.

Rescued From Oblivion I: Pain, pain, pain, pain, pain!

So, back when I was in junior high, I think it was ’91 or ’92, I screwed up my leg. It was the outside of the lower part of my left leg. You see, for P.E. we were partaking in tug-o-war for some idiotic reason. During one of the matches I ended up pulling so hard and by virtue pushing my foot so hard into the ground. that I felt a tearing sensation on the side of my leg next to my calf. Contrary to my gym teacher’s objections I decided to sit the rest of the period out as my leg felt numb and very warm.

Several decades later…

I didn’t realize just how much damage I had done or how it would later impact my life and what I could, and couldn’t do with it. Eventually I started having issues with my ankle bowing out and my left foot getting weak from time to time. Years later I developed excruciating sciatica. With that still on my plate I’ve now developed what I expect to turn out to be a pinched nerve in my upper back, which has lead to a painful restriction to what I can use my left arm for. Both my left arm and my left leg are noticeably smaller than my right and now the right side of my face appears to be getting smaller than the left as well. Who would have thought that a simple tug-of-war injury that didn’t appear to be an issue for years would lead to me being unable to really use the left side of my body?


I’m back?

I’m back.

How long has it been? About a year and a half? Sounds about how long it takes me to get back to someone through email. I just… I really don’t care. And yet here I am about to break down in tears, for like the third time today (including last night of which I slept very little).

Got another new doctor. It’s actually a clinic but they have tons of stuff there. I have appointments to see a dietician (good luck for that guy), a chiropractor, a podiatrist, a cardiologist, and a whole slew of x-rays and whatnots, most of which I can get done there. The only one I listed that wasn’t actually there at the clinic is the cardiologist. Are they going to have fun with me. I think they’re supposed to be doing a stress test on me because I seem to have an odd issue with my heart. Ten bucks says I’m on the floor screaming to go home within five minutes.

She also thinks that I might have Bell’s Palsy. As if I wasn’t hideous enough already. She tried to make me feel better about it. Looked up pictures of celebrities who have it and whatnot. I’m a type 2 bipolar depressive riddled with anxiety. Picture aren’t going to help. Telling me the weirdness going on with the left side of my face isn’t anything too serious, like the result of a stroke, will. Though she’s not certain it is Bell’s Palsy because my symptomology isn’t following it correctly. I’m supposed to be loosing feeling on the side effected but I don’t have any issues with that. Also, it’s supposed to strike quickly, within days at the longest. My issue has been developing for months at this point. Tell me again how I’m perfectly healthy and not about to keel over any second now.

My psychiatrist recently diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder. So, that’s another one to add to the list. We talked about my medications and she didn’t like the way I was reacting to them so she stopped most of them and we’re going to talk about possible replacements the next time I see her. I’m still taking the gabapentin though. It’s been a miracle drug for me. I can actually use my left hand for more than just slapping around like it’s a flipper. I actually have fingers again and it keeps my feet from hurting.

I’m in a weird place psychologically right now. I’m depressed as all get out, having crying spells quite often. But I’ve also been getting things done. I scrubbed the entire tub and shower until it sparkled. It really needed it too. I cleaned out the pantry and even repainted all the shelves. I’m not feeling motivated to do these things. I’m just not feeling unmotivated, if that makes any sense. I do these things because I’m not being stopped, not that I particularly want to do them. This can’t be the way other people function. The crying spells and lack of sleep are enough to tell me that. But for some reason right now, even with everything going on with me, I can actually get things done. I really have no clue what’s going on in my head. I’m getting things done, getting exercise while doing them, and losing weight to boot. ‘Bout ten pounds in the last two months. Should I really care about how terrible I feel in that case?

I need to stop whining right now. I feel like I might actually be able to sleep if I lie down. Sleeping would be nice since I was up until five or six in the morning and maybe slept until ten after that.

Okay. So I’m going to listen to music and try to sleep. Maybe I should call my services coordinator at my psychiatrists office. She said I needed to start regular therapy. I guess I could look into that. I still have to finish up the other cupboards in the kitchen and I haven’t got to anything below waist level. That’s going to be really hard on my back and legs. Cleaning the tub was bad enough. Those lower cupboards are a disaster, and I can’t expect any help. If it’s going to get done, I’m going to have to be the one to do it. I wonder if I should paint under the sink.

Feeling dizzy. Need to stop. Oh god! Why do I have to feel like this? And here comes the crying.