Lost along the way.

I think I fried a hard drive last night. I’m absolutely terrible with my own personal PC equipment, especially since I decided years ago that all of it was essentially disposable. I never keep anything that important digitally. If I’m afraid of loosing something I keep some sort of hard copy or learn to let it go. So, last night I watched a rather boring documentary on cult films with my friend Wayne, moved my laptop without looking where I was going, and spilled a glass of water on an external hard drive that wasn’t hooked up but still in a rather stupid location. Only time will tell if that 2 TB drive will survive. I’m going to let it sit for a week or so and then check it. And I literally just finished filling it about 3/4 of the way full. Ugh…

Health wise, physically anyway, things are interesting. Right now I’m just waiting on my diabetic shoes. The doctor I saw about them told me that I really needed some specialized insoles to correct the angle of my feet and that they may even help with my sciatica. They’re supposed to be in in a few weeks. My sleep study went well, but I do have sever sleep apnea. Very sever if my results are anything to go by. A score of 1-5 is considered normal. 5-15 is considered mild. 15-30 is considered moderate. Anything above 30 is considered sever. Guess what mine was… 72.6. And that number represents the number of apneas you experience per hour. So I experience more than 1 a MINUTE on average. They’re worse during REM than non-REM. I already have another appointment to have a week long home study done using a CPAP machine but because of the virus that won’t be happening until the end of July.

Emotionally and psychologically… I dunno. Most people are weirded out about not being able to go outside. I almost never used to go outside before so very little is different for me. I just… I can’t seem to find anything I want to do again. I try to muster up the interest but it’s never enough even to get started with anything. Everything feels completely and totally pointless. I feel completely and totally pointless. I’m back to just laying in bed all day watching bad shows online or wandering websites literally designed to waste your time.

When I was in my 20s’ I had a LiveJournal (a what, grandpa?) and I used to make semi regular updates to it. Far more frequently than I do on this damn thing. Anyway, I remember I posted something about the world just not understanding me. Someone responded to it by telling me that I was too old to still be acting like an angsty teenager. Well, I’ve grown up since then and not only do I still feel the same way, I now realize that I don’t understand myself. My existence is pretty much me just trying to find things to do so I don’t focus on that. Nothing’s been working lately though.

Do I want to start writing again? Yes! and no.

How about studying programming? I could totally… not do that either.

Instead, I’ll just watch this show on Hulu that I’ve watched something like a dozen times before. I can recite each episode line by line and yet is seems to be the only think keeping my interest right now, how little and fleeting that may be. I’ve even got a couple of new games which I have yet to even boot up let alone play. I just can’t get myself to deal with anything outside of repeats and sleeping.

This is not a good, comfortable, or healthy place for me to be in. Can’t seem to break out of it though. Can’t seem to fight it. Something will flicker but that’s it, just a flicker, before it’s gone again. It’s so far away. Everything. Everything that I care about. Everything that I could care about.

Feeling tired again.

Guess I’ll just sleep some more.

Why not?

There’s nothing else to do…

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