Is it too difficult?

I’m really fighting myself these days.

For a month or two there things were going very well. I was exercising daily, and a good amount at that. Was (and still am really) keeping good track of my blood sugar and what I’ve been eating. The past week or so though, much less exercise and even though I’m still charting my sugar readings and meals, my glucose levels are slowly going back up again. It’s nothing terrible just yet but it’s becoming rarer to see a reading below 100 when before that it was common place.

Am I really already falling away from this? I have a habit of focusing on something for a while then dropping it completely. I really can’t do that here. I have to find a way to keep myself motivated. I haven’t dropped everything but I’m starting to procrastinate. Even charting my sugar readings and writing down my meals. I am still doing it but I’m not doing it right away, instead tending to wait a while.

When I first started I had to take a migraine pill every day as it was the only way to deal with my body revolting against me, well… actually doing anything as it wasn’t used to me moving. I stopped after a while as I felt that I didn’t need them any longer. I started taking them again yesterday. I know they’re not good for me and they’re especially bad for my blood pressure but I need something. If things continue down this road I’ll be laying in bed eating chips while surfing the ‘net all day again. I already have neuropathy in my hands and feet and damage in my eyes. Things simply can’t continue the way they have. My physical health is really in danger. It’s not something that may happen in the future. It’s happening right now.

But neuropathy, blindness, kidney damage… Is their threat enough to keep me going? Can I find something else to help drive me? I need to. I really do. I’ve been fading so fast this past week. I don’t know. I just don’t know. Got about a week or so before I start going to the YMCA. I was hoping to get in there while I was still extremely functional. Now…

At least I’ll have something to talk to my psychiatrist about when I see her. I’m sensing a new prescription in my future. How long will this one work? I wonder if I’ll even really care.

So I’m not dying.

Not yet anyway.

Saw the optometrist again. Said my eye looked better but still can’t figure out where the damage came from. Wants to see me again in about a week from now to continue observation. She said if it looks any worse or doesn’t show any signs of improvement that she’s sending me to a specialist. I’m still really worried about it but at least things haven’t spun completely out of control.

The podiatrist is sending me out for x-rays. Both feet and ankles. She said I have to get x-rays first then an MRI before she can really start treating me because of insurance issues. She said she’s pretty sure she knows what it is and that I’ll need a specially made orthopedic support for the rest of my life but I still have to jump through all the hoops before hand. It’s stupid and a HUGE waste of money having me do all this other stuff but she said there’s no way around it. Insurance requires these specific steps in order for her to treat me the way she needs to… and several wasted months in the mean time as well.

Next up was the dentist. Apparently my teeth are in really good shape. Except, that is, for the wisdom tooth on my bottom right side. It came in at a 45 degree angle and over the years has caused a major issue. A cavity has formed on the molar in front of it where the two teeth touch. It seems to be partly under the gum line, which will make it very hard to deal with. In the mean time, he wants to pull that tooth as well as the wisdom tooth above it. And since my top left wisdom tooth is missing a mate (I never developed a bottom left wisdom tooth) he wants to just have them all pulled at the same time. Told me most people have them pulled in their early 20s’ but mine didn’t come in until my mid-to-late 20s’.

Back to insurance issues again though. He can’t actually refer me out because of my insurance so he gave me a list of dentists I can contact myself to see if I can get the work done. That, or I can sign up for some dental specific insurance. I’ll probably end up doing that as it will simply make things easier but again, nothing but wasted time between now and then. I’m not really looking forward to having three teeth pulled either way but the sooner would probably be the better.

The one thing going at least semi right seems to be my diabetes. Sugar readings have been much improved. Been loosing (?) weight. Finally got all my paperwork into the YMCA only to be told the week the paperwork stated it would take would actually be more like two and to come by again if I don’t hear from them in three. Ugh… It always seems to be something. But things are moving so that’s good. Been really tired lately and I still feel like I’m fighting myself to get anything done but something is better than nothing. I just hope that something becomes a real something soon.

No appointments this week though, for the first time in quite a while. Instead, fall cleaning. And I still have to shampoo the carpets. Sooooo tiiiiired…

I’m gonna take a nap.