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I’m alone again.

I ended it with Robert. Well, as much as I can end it right now. I moved almost all my stuff into the living room and told him we’re through. Of course he was high at the time, still is, so the real question is going to be how he reacts when he comes down. I’m really worried what he’s going to do.

In the mean time I’m laying in bed smelling a chocolate chip cupcake rather than going to my DBT group like I’m supposed to. I’m trying to get myself used to smelling junk food instead of gorging myself on it. Two reasons for that: One, I really need to get my weight under control. Being 290 pounds is extremely unhealthy and just not good at all for me. And two, I had a gorge fest day before yesterday and it took me through last night to get my blood sugar back under control even without eating again. Yep, no food for over 24 hours and my sugar wouldn’t drop below 190 even with several large shots of insulin. I can’t keep doing this. I just can’t. I’m killing myself. Which is why I’m currently smelling a chocolate chip cupcake rather than eating it even though my blood sugar is a bit lower than it should be right now.

As for my DBT group… That’s anxiety keeping me from going to that. I missed the last two weeks (three now) and I feel so bad about it that I just can’t go back. I’m going to have to talk with my services coordinator about it and see if I can try again some other time. When I get like this it’s near impossible for me to function and trying to force myself causes me to have panic attacks. It’s the feeling of failure that does it. I know I’m bad and I know that everyone else knows I’m bad and being comforted and told it’s okay only makes it worse because then I know that everyone really, really knows how bad I am. It’s a catch-22 that I can’t seem to get out of no matter how hard I try. The only way I can is to not mess up in the first place but that never happens so… Yeah.

I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid of my wants. My desires. I know what I want to be, who I want to be, I just don’t know what to do to get there. It’s like I’m going around in circles constantly. I start to try and then something, no matter how minuscule, goes wrong and then I have to punish myself. And then I eat until I don’t feel the pain anymore. It’s so much worse when someone else is involved because not only did I fail myself but I failed them as well and now they know just how much of a loser and failure I really am. It hurts so much being exposed like that. Letting someone down like that. Knowing that I could have done better. Knowing that I should have done better.

Sleep. I’m going to get some more sleep. I didn’t get all that much last night what with my anxiety and all. My coordinator is coming for a home visit tomorrow. I’ll talk to her about all of this then. See what she has to say. If there’s something she can think of to help me break out of this never ending cycle of self hatred and punishment.

Everyone is always telling me that I don’t have to be perfect but I know that’s not true. I have to be. I just have to. It’s the only way I know how to feel comfortable in my own skin. I already hate myself. I need to know that someone else, anyone else, doesn’t. And in order to know that for certain, I have to live up to my own impossible expectations of myself for them. I have to be the best me. I have to be the greatest me. I have to be more for them than I’ve ever been able to be for myself in my entire life.

I have to be perfect.

And they can never know how imperfect I really am.

What.

Okay. Saw my podiatrist. She told me that the broken bone in my foot is broken no more and that the diabetic ulcer on the bottom of same said foot has healed as well. In other words: I’M FREE!

But actually, no.

The broken bone in my foot ended up healing at a slight upward angle. That’s what actually caused the ulcer in the first place. Because it’s angled up, the bone next to it, the fourth bone, is pressing down harder than it should and it’s going to continue to cause me issues, including regular ulcers.

What’s the plan to deal with that? Well, right now I’m supposed to be using a soft felt ring in my shoes in order to support the area that is being effected. That’s for the short term. In the long term, she’s sent out a referral for me to an orthopedic surgeon. They’re going to purposefully break the fourth bone and angle it so that it matches the angle of the fifth bone.

Why not simply do that with the fifth bone, you ask? Because, the angle of the fifth bone now matches the angle of all the other bones in my foot so it’s only the fourth bone that is out of sync. Yes, the fourth and fifth bones in my foot were straight while the rest were slightly angled. Now only the fourth bone is straight and it would be easier to break and angle that bone than to try to fix the rest of them.

And to top off that shit sundae, apparently I may eventually need the same surgery on my right foot. She told me it was nothing that I had done or could control. It was simply the way that I had been made. I don’t know who made me but they obviously had no idea what they were doing.

So now I’m waiting to hear from the surgeon while I have regular visits with the podiatrist in order to keep close tabs on the bottom of my foot to ensure that the ulcer doesn’t flair up or become a bigger issue than it already has been.

This is my life now.

Waiting for whatever new disaster is going to befall my foot, or hell even feet at this point. I’m half waiting for someone to simply walk up with a machete and hack the damn things off.

I mean, at what point do I get to give up? When do I get to say enough is enough and simply refuse to play along any longer with whatever this is that someone somewhere in their diseased and twisted mind would consider to be anything resembling a life? I really, really don’t want to play this game any more. It isn’t fun. It isn’t interesting. It’s not motivating or teaching me anything. At best I’m learning even more not to care. Why should I when whenever I try to do anything to better myself reality steps in and shuts me down with a big old “NO”.

Come December 4th it will have been exactly one year since this whole thing got started and something tells me it’s going to still be going on at that point. Two more months for it to have literally been a whole year. A whole GODDAMN MOTHER FUCKING YEAR!

FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK! JUST FUCK ME ALREADY! JUST GODDAMN FUCKING FUCK ME!

I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I don’t know what I can do.

What’s the point of any of it.