I’m alone again.
I ended it with Robert. Well, as much as I can end it right now. I moved almost all my stuff into the living room and told him we’re through. Of course he was high at the time, still is, so the real question is going to be how he reacts when he comes down. I’m really worried what he’s going to do.
In the mean time I’m laying in bed smelling a chocolate chip cupcake rather than going to my DBT group like I’m supposed to. I’m trying to get myself used to smelling junk food instead of gorging myself on it. Two reasons for that: One, I really need to get my weight under control. Being 290 pounds is extremely unhealthy and just not good at all for me. And two, I had a gorge fest day before yesterday and it took me through last night to get my blood sugar back under control even without eating again. Yep, no food for over 24 hours and my sugar wouldn’t drop below 190 even with several large shots of insulin. I can’t keep doing this. I just can’t. I’m killing myself. Which is why I’m currently smelling a chocolate chip cupcake rather than eating it even though my blood sugar is a bit lower than it should be right now.
As for my DBT group… That’s anxiety keeping me from going to that. I missed the last two weeks (three now) and I feel so bad about it that I just can’t go back. I’m going to have to talk with my services coordinator about it and see if I can try again some other time. When I get like this it’s near impossible for me to function and trying to force myself causes me to have panic attacks. It’s the feeling of failure that does it. I know I’m bad and I know that everyone else knows I’m bad and being comforted and told it’s okay only makes it worse because then I know that everyone really, really knows how bad I am. It’s a catch-22 that I can’t seem to get out of no matter how hard I try. The only way I can is to not mess up in the first place but that never happens so… Yeah.
I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid of my wants. My desires. I know what I want to be, who I want to be, I just don’t know what to do to get there. It’s like I’m going around in circles constantly. I start to try and then something, no matter how minuscule, goes wrong and then I have to punish myself. And then I eat until I don’t feel the pain anymore. It’s so much worse when someone else is involved because not only did I fail myself but I failed them as well and now they know just how much of a loser and failure I really am. It hurts so much being exposed like that. Letting someone down like that. Knowing that I could have done better. Knowing that I should have done better.
Sleep. I’m going to get some more sleep. I didn’t get all that much last night what with my anxiety and all. My coordinator is coming for a home visit tomorrow. I’ll talk to her about all of this then. See what she has to say. If there’s something she can think of to help me break out of this never ending cycle of self hatred and punishment.
Everyone is always telling me that I don’t have to be perfect but I know that’s not true. I have to be. I just have to. It’s the only way I know how to feel comfortable in my own skin. I already hate myself. I need to know that someone else, anyone else, doesn’t. And in order to know that for certain, I have to live up to my own impossible expectations of myself for them. I have to be the best me. I have to be the greatest me. I have to be more for them than I’ve ever been able to be for myself in my entire life.
I have to be perfect.
And they can never know how imperfect I really am.