There’s a hole in me.

I just can’t seem to find a reason. A purpose. Everything I try to do, everything I try to be, none of it feels right. I can’t do it. I can’t be it. I just don’t know how.

I look out at the world and I see people walking by. People that are real. People that have something, anything, to hold on to. When I look at myself I don’t see a person. I see something playing at being a person. Something that knows just enough of the rules to squeak by without drawing too much attention but will never understand how anything really works. The system out there. It’s so foreign to me. I might as well be living in a small village in Tibet. My reaction would be the same. The outcome already decided.

My feet are hurting. I’ve been trying to get a good bit of walking in every day so I can adjust to these new shoes and insoles. They really are helping to change how I walk. I had to put my ankle brace back on after a few days though when I noticed that my left foot was turning outward again. It was worth a try and for a few days there I was able to walk like other people. I’m going to need a new brace soon though. The one I have right now is falling apart.

The walking though. I’m trying to stick with it daily. I have that Google Fit app on my phone and it keeps track of the number of steps I take. Well, now it does since a recent update. Anyway, the app recommends 10,000 steps a day so during the day I try to make sure I hit that number. I didn’t reach my goal yesterday and I don’t think I did anything the two days before that but what’s interesting is I’m still sticking with it. I’m not dropping it because I missed a day or didn’t reach my goal the day before. I simply come back and start again.

Got up this morning and already got my 10,000 steps in, along with 90+ something “activity” minutes, something the app also recommends. Says you should get 150 in a week. I get close to that daily. Either way it’s something to do and I don’t need any equipment to do it. Just my shoes and somewhere I can walk. I mostly just pace back and forth in the living room though. Hey, the app doesn’t care and it still counts.

Is this all there is though? Get up in the morning and pace around the apartment for an hour plus and then…? What?

I don’t know.

I just don’t know.

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