I’m back?

I’m back.

How long has it been? About a year and a half? Sounds about how long it takes me to get back to someone through email. I just… I really don’t care. And yet here I am about to break down in tears, for like the third time today (including last night of which I slept very little).

Got another new doctor. It’s actually a clinic but they have tons of stuff there. I have appointments to see a dietician (good luck for that guy), a chiropractor, a podiatrist, a cardiologist, and a whole slew of x-rays and whatnots, most of which I can get done there. The only one I listed that wasn’t actually there at the clinic is the cardiologist. Are they going to have fun with me. I think they’re supposed to be doing a stress test on me because I seem to have an odd issue with my heart. Ten bucks says I’m on the floor screaming to go home within five minutes.

She also thinks that I might have Bell’s Palsy. As if I wasn’t hideous enough already. She tried to make me feel better about it. Looked up pictures of celebrities who have it and whatnot. I’m a type 2 bipolar depressive riddled with anxiety. Picture aren’t going to help. Telling me the weirdness going on with the left side of my face isn’t anything too serious, like the result of a stroke, will. Though she’s not certain it is Bell’s Palsy because my symptomology isn’t following it correctly. I’m supposed to be loosing feeling on the side effected but I don’t have any issues with that. Also, it’s supposed to strike quickly, within days at the longest. My issue has been developing for months at this point. Tell me again how I’m perfectly healthy and not about to keel over any second now.

My psychiatrist recently diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder. So, that’s another one to add to the list. We talked about my medications and she didn’t like the way I was reacting to them so she stopped most of them and we’re going to talk about possible replacements the next time I see her. I’m still taking the gabapentin though. It’s been a miracle drug for me. I can actually use my left hand for more than just slapping around like it’s a flipper. I actually have fingers again and it keeps my feet from hurting.

I’m in a weird place psychologically right now. I’m depressed as all get out, having crying spells quite often. But I’ve also been getting things done. I scrubbed the entire tub and shower until it sparkled. It really needed it too. I cleaned out the pantry and even repainted all the shelves. I’m not feeling motivated to do these things. I’m just not feeling unmotivated, if that makes any sense. I do these things because I’m not being stopped, not that I particularly want to do them. This can’t be the way other people function. The crying spells and lack of sleep are enough to tell me that. But for some reason right now, even with everything going on with me, I can actually get things done. I really have no clue what’s going on in my head. I’m getting things done, getting exercise while doing them, and losing weight to boot. ‘Bout ten pounds in the last two months. Should I really care about how terrible I feel in that case?

I need to stop whining right now. I feel like I might actually be able to sleep if I lie down. Sleeping would be nice since I was up until five or six in the morning and maybe slept until ten after that.

Okay. So I’m going to listen to music and try to sleep. Maybe I should call my services coordinator at my psychiatrists office. She said I needed to start regular therapy. I guess I could look into that. I still have to finish up the other cupboards in the kitchen and I haven’t got to anything below waist level. That’s going to be really hard on my back and legs. Cleaning the tub was bad enough. Those lower cupboards are a disaster, and I can’t expect any help. If it’s going to get done, I’m going to have to be the one to do it. I wonder if I should paint under the sink.

Feeling dizzy. Need to stop. Oh god! Why do I have to feel like this? And here comes the crying.