It’s late and I’m nauseous.

So what else is new?

In two days I’ll be 41. I’m not happy about that. It’s not that I’m upset about getting older. I’m more upset that the number keeps going up but I never seem to actually feel like I’m anywhere near it. I’m a child not even playing at being an adult. I just don’t see the purpose in pretending to be something that I’m not.

It makes me feel so isolated. I’ve heard other people talk about not feeling their age but in my case it’s different. I honest to goodness don’t feel like I’ve aged any psychologically since I was 12. As such all of the things that adults are allowed and even expected to do? I can’t do them. I’m not an adult. I’m not allowed to. And when people expect such things of me? I shut down and/or run and hide. I can’t do or be those things no matter how hard I or others may want it of me.

As I continue to age and… not… age… I feel more and more confused. The cognitive dissonance of being a child old enough to suffer from a mid-life crisis feels so very, very wrong. The fact that I’ve lost most of my hair isn’t helping either. I look old and tired. Ugly. I’ve always been ugly. Inside though, I just feel tired. Exhausted really. I don’t feel so old but at the same time I do.

Let me try to explain a bit better: I’ve always been older than my age. When I was a kid, a teenager specifically, I always acted much older than I was. I used to bang on the wall between me and my brother’s room yelling for him to turn his damn music down. I cleaned obsessively. So much so that I would purposefully leave certain things messy in an attempt not to appear crazy. Thinking about it now, that kind of makes me crazy. But that’s how I was, that’s what I became about the time I started puberty. Everything had to be perfect and yet nothing could be.

I remember once when my nephew came over to visit. He said something to me that still sticks with me today. He told me that my room looked like a monk lived in it. It was neat, tidy, and sparse, just as I liked it. I had no idea just how odd that apparently was. I felt unbelievably embarrassed. My attempt at playing being a person had failed. If even my nephew could see through me it would obviously be even easier for anyone else.

So tired. Beginning to lose the plot here. I lost the person I wanted to be a long time ago. I gave up. It was the best I felt I could do. Being an adult meant being something I couldn’t understand. Being a child meant being something that I never really was. Walking through limbo. Struggling through the shadows of what others expected of me, what I expected of myself. I want to burn it all away. Scatter the ashes to the winds.

So tired.

So very, very tired.

When all else fails…

I’ve started writing a new post, I dunno, four or five times only to stop shortly into it. I currently have three drafts waiting in the wings that I have no intention of finishing and I know for a fact that I deleted a few already. Will this post make it? I don’t know. What’s it to you? Stop asking me questions! What are you? A cop? You gotta tell me if you’re a cop.

I can’t seem to decide on what I want to write about. My current health is kind of in limbo. I’m stuck waiting until my foot heals before I can really deal with anything in regards to that. I need to call and schedule a ride to get my next x-rays soon too. Monday, really. I’m seeing the podiatrist on February 1st so I need to get them done before then and the ride people require five business days lead time. I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before but arbitrary bullshit always bares repeating. The last time I called them they whined about needing my doctor to fill out a form for them that I was under the impression they already had. I don’t know how often that needs to be done but it can’t be every few weeks, can it? These people really don’t seem to have their act together at all.

In my all encompassing intelligence I think I may have screwed up my foot though. A few days ago I decided that I was sick and tired of being trapped at home and so I went for a short walk. It was raining so I didn’t wear my boot, as it’s mostly made of foam, but I did wear my ankle support. Anyway, it was a very short walk, maybe two average sized blocks in distance, but by the time I got home I was feeling a strange pulling sensation in my foot around where the fracture was. I wondered if it was just my imagination but my foot has definitely been more sore and painful to the touch there as well. I really hope I didn’t screw anything up but if I did and have to start healing all over again it would be my own damn fault.

Sigh…

I saw my shrink finally. It was a strange visit. The whole thing was strange, actually. I was supposed to show up early for group, then see my services coordinator to fill out my yearly re-authorization paperwork, and then finally see the doctor. Well, I go there early for group only to find out that my services coordinator was currently out on medical leave. No one told me why and I didn’t ask. Then, during group, I simply broke down crying. I don’t know why. I think everything has just been getting to me. They had me see another services coordinator and we talked for a bit and then completed my re-authorization.

A couple hours later I saw the doctor, and things got even weirder. She seemed like she was really pushing me to leave the facility. Not that she didn’t think I needed care, but that she wanted me to go somewhere else. To be precise, she wanted me to transfer to my current medical clinic. Now, I get all of my physical medical care at one place but my psychological care at another. My medical place also has a psychiatric care department but from what everyone has told me it’s simply not up the the standards of the facility I go to for my psychiatric care currently. As such, everyone there has recommended that I stay where I am.

This doctor was insisting that I switch over to them. Of course I would prefer to be able to receive all of my care from one single integrated facility but if that means receiving substandard services then I can’t really abide that. Strangely, she also told me that she was thinking about transferring over to my current medical facility. From what I hear, they could really use the help. But still, the whole situation just felt really odd. I’m wondering if the county has told them that they should be expecting to see funding cuts and as such they should cut down on the number of patients they see. It would make sense, but be odd that they wouldn’t simply be forthright about it. They were when a similar situation came up several years ago, although that was thankfully resolved without issue

Anyway, she eventually prescribed me a new medication: Cymbalta. I haven’t started taking it though because it’s currently at the pharmacy and I currently have no way of currently getting there because of my current issues involving my current foot… currently. Robert’s been completely out of commission this entire past week as well. So I’m currently (STOP THAT!) stuck waiting until, hopefully, Monday at the very latest. Robert has group a few blocks from the pharmacy and should be able to pick it up for me then, as long as he goes that is. As I said, he’s been out of commission but hopefully getting better. It’s a wait and see game, and he might yet get worse again before he gets better but you know what they say about clouds: They all have unicorns or rainbows or some such other crap. I dunno. I don’t care either. Fuck the whole goddamn thing.

I guess that’s it since I can’t really think of anything else… currently (WHAT DID I SAY!). Didn’t sleep too well last night but I’m starting to feel like I could pass out again. At least for a little while anyway. Robert’s been snoring up a storm behind me the whole time. Bastard. I really should… pillow… fluff… damn it…

Just once, can’t I be the bad guy?!

Apparently not.

It’s not raining after all.

I’ve been getting some actual good health news as of late. After I saw the optometrist and cardiologist on Friday it was brought to my attention that my body is, in fact, not completely falling apart.

My first appointment was with the optometrist. It was not fun. They dilated me to begin with. I’ve been dilated before and was told the drops might burn but they never did. This time they did. Boy did they. After that they did a quick check on my vision. I’m 25/30 apparently but it was hard to read the chart because my vision was kind of cloudy. I’ve never experienced that before when being dilated but whatever. Then they injected me with dye. I literally didn’t feel the needle. First time ever. Following that, they took a few sets of pictures of my eyes. Then I talked with the optometrist.

First things first, the damage in my left eye? It’s a sort of birth defect. It’s called Torpedo Maculopathy and it’s not dangerous. It just sort of is. But it is rather rare. He said he sees about one patient a year with it. I guess he got his 2019 case out of the way early. Second thing was my Diabetic Retinopathy. He reiterated what my other optometrist stated, called it moderate or something like that. Basically I have damage but it’s not that bad… yet. He told me that if I keep my A1C at or bellow 6.5 it shouldn’t get any worse. My last A1C was 6.4 so I’m already doing good in that regard.

Next appointment was with the cardiologist. Whew! This one was effort, especially considering that I had already been to the optometrist earlier that morning and hadn’t slept well the night before. They did all kinds of stuff to me. First up was an ultrasound of my heart. I got to listen to and watch my heart beat. It was surreal watching the actual valves opening and closing. The technician was a bit dumbfounded at first as she couldn’t find my heart because it was several inches above where it should have been. I told her that my liver was way up high inside my torso as well and that when I had had an ultrasound years before it had taken them a while to find it too. She told me that my organ arrangement was like someone much younger. Apparently as you age your organs slowly drop inside your body but that had not happened with me. I’m not surprised. My body does very strange things. I didn’t ask how much younger though. Things were weird enough as it was.

Then it was on to another dye test. It was some kind of nuclear material, and when they say nuclear they mean nuclear. The vial they brought over to me was in a very large, it looked like iron, tube. So they injected me with whatever it was and then we waited a bit before I went on the most boring amusement ride of my life. It was this large machine that I was sat in that slowly turned over several minutes. It was interesting that it actually had me suspended while it was working but that was it. I joked to the nurse about it not being worth three tickets. I don’t think she got it.

Next was the actual stress test. It was another injection that they gave me all sorts of warnings about. That my chest might hurt and I might feel out of breath or dizzy or other things. The woman before me seemed to have a lot of trouble with it. I mostly just got a headache from it. I mean, I felt it working for damn sure but my worst reaction to it was a headache. It also tasted absolutely terrible. And that was really strange. They injected it into me but I could taste it nearly instantly. A few minutes into the test they gave me a diet coke and then it was back onto the ride again for another set of pictures or whatever the damn thing was doing.

After all that I finally saw the cardiologist. My heart was absolutely fine. No sign of any issues or blockage or anything. He said my squeeze was great but my release was a little weak. It’s easy to fix though. How? Exercise! Of course that would require me to get out of this damn boot.

As a strange aside the people at the optometrist told me that the dye they used in order to take pictures of my eyes might cause some temporary issues. My skin might turn yellow and my urine might be dark or discolored for a few days. Well, I don’t think I turned yellow, though Robert said I did after I told him that it might be a side effect, but my urine did change color. It became a very bright, basically day glow, yellow. It was strange. Had a bit of a bluish-green background, like a highlighter, to it as well. It didn’t last for long and was much weaker the second time I urinated but wow was it strange.

So that’s where I seem to be today, after a weekend of doing absolutely nothing. Other than my moderate Diabetic Retinopathy and my broken foot I’m not in bad shape at all. I mean, I’m still type 2 diabetic and need to lose a good bit of weight but I’m doing better than I would have thought. It’s good to know that some things can actually go right once in a while.

I’ve been booted.

Oh the horror!

Oh the shame!

The thing is huge and unwieldy. Weighs a ton too. All these foam pads and Velcro straps. Robert called it my Darth Vader boot, because it’s black. I called it a totally annoying piece of bullshit, because it is. I pretty much have to keep my leg right below my body in order to walk in it. I nearly fell in the office when I first tried to stand up! And I’m supposed to wear this thing as much as possible? It’s got an air pump and bladder system like those fancy sporting shoes do though, so that’s fun to play with. It’s even got this huge release valve to let the air out with. It feels something like slowly crushing your foot with balloons and then deflating them. Definitely holds your foot still though.

I wore it ’till 2 am then took it off. Super uncomfortable to sleep in and it was actually hurting my foot, but that may have been purposeful. I dunno if it’s supposed to be hurting because it’s holding my foot in a more specific position or not. I need to message my podiatrist about that. See what she says about it.

I think the women at the front desk may have been flirting with me? I’m really not good at reading that sort of thing, like at all, but when they started complimenting my shirt I knew something was up. One of them said the blue really suited me and that sort of sent me into an episode. Mildly though, I might add. I’m pretty sure I started blushing like crazy and acting like a little kid. Then the other chimed in and agreed. I told them I usually try to dress to blend in with the background and they told me I was obviously failing today then.

Compliments and me tend not to mix well. I felt rather uncomfortable and embarrassed but also somewhat flattered. It was a weird situation all around and not something that I encounter often. They were still doing it when I was on my way out. Not that I have any interest in women to begin with but it did make me feel a bit better. Especially with my new Franken-boot.

Dentist later today. I have a cleaning in the afternoon. Then tomorrow morning I’m seeing a specialist optometrist about my left eye and then around noon I’m going in to see the cardiologist. They’re going to be doing a stress test on my heart. I’m pretty sure I’m just going to be doing the liquid test rather than the treadmill one. I mean, Vader boot and all, what else are they going to do? I’m going to be happy when it’s the weekend and I won’t have anything to do for a few days. I don’t usually have more than one day in a row when I do anything. Three days in a row with an early morning doctors appointment? Phew! How sad is that folks? How sad is that?

How can it only be January 3rd? It feels like I’ve already been running around like crazy. Crazy for me that is. Is that a good thing? Is that a bad thing? I guess I’ve been feeling stressed out, especially about all of my doctors appointments and most assuredly about my foot. That seems to be under control though now I need to worry about my weight more, since I can’t really even walk, and how the hell am I supposed to get any exercise? Another month stuck on my ass. And against my will this time, I might add. I’m going to have to schedule more rides.

I need to start getting ready for my next appointment. It’s not for several hours yet but I need a good 2 hours to get ready, then they’re going to pick me up about an hour before hand, and then… no, that’s it. It really does take me a while to get ready though. I don’t primp and preen, it just takes me a bit. I hate rushing when I’m getting ready. It actually makes me uncomfortable and I need a bit to calm down and center myself. I’m an absolute nightmare when it comes to last minute situations. If I’m not already ready for some other reason, it ain’t gonna happen. Not within the time frame you may want it to happen, anyway.

Okay! Enough delaying! Get up and start getting ready! Get up! Go on! Times a wastin’! Just get on up and start pulling yourself together! Go get in that shower you wanted to take! Brush those teeth! Get those clothes on and that… that boot! Go on! Get up!

Or…

I could take a nap and come up with a halfway believable excuse? I can always pull the broken foot card. I’m sure that one will be good for quite a while.

Oh I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll think about it for a while while I lay here in my warm and comfy bed rather than getting up and getting ready and…

Am I the only one not buying this or is no one else either?

Morning All!

It’s January 1st, 2019 at 8:17 am. I woke up at about 7:30 am and I’m feeling good so far. Took my morning meds and did a quick rounds of all my internet sites (excluding any news sites) and I’m ready to see where today takes me.

Found out that Excel had a nice pre-built spreadsheet for monthly finances with a pretty graph and all kinds of numbers and averages. It looks neat and it’s really easy to work with. I might see if I can add another page so I can insert individual transactions as it only accepts totals right now and I’d rather be able to have a listing of each individual transaction for clarity’s sake. Other than that quibble, it’s prefect. Simple and to the point. Just what I needed. We’re already freaking out over our fast food numbers. Did I call it or did call it? I should freelance as a psychic.

My podiatrist finally got in touch with me yesterday. She was actually out of the office until Monday but she sounded rather worried and told me to absolutely stay off of it as much as possible. She specifically told me that she was going to double book an appointment for me tomorrow, Wednesday, at their other office because she needed to see me as soon as possible. She told me the break I have tends to be really slow and difficult to heal and the best way to deal with it is to immobilize it. So she’s going to fit me with a “boot”. Hopefully I’ll actually be able to do things again after that. If I can at least go to the YMCA and use the weight machines I’d be happy.

I will say that something feels off though. I don’t have a headache, I’ve actually started getting things done, my doctor is rushing to help me out, and… Just what the hell is going on here? Life is actually being nice for once? Am I dying or something? That must be it. I’m dying. Or, or I’m going to get hit by a bus or run over by a train or wild pop musicians are going to rip me limb from limb. Something terrible is coming. I can feel it. Because it always does.

But for now I’ll go with the “everything is cool” facade. I’m going to lure life into a false sense of security and then… I dunno. Robert wants me to bake a cake for our friend, Wayne’s birthday that’s coming up. I’ll probably just do that.

Enjoy the New Year all… While it lets you.

DUN! DUN! DUN!..