What do you do? In time… in time.

I’m a fidgeter (shut-up spell check). I fidget a lot. A lot, a lot. For months I was fidgeting with C++. Then Windows 10 was released and I fidgeted with that. Recently I’ve been fidgeting with Debian. I actually have eight Debian… 8… installs running in virtual machines. I fidget with them, reset them, download tons of crap, reformat them. It’s fun and I like it. I just-. What is the point of all this fidgeting?

Been feeling lost again. I’m not fond of when the shadows come and pin me down. I can’t see the world rushing by and before long I’m out of step and then forgotten. I used to enjoy being forgotten, when I was younger, when I didn’t know any better. I embraced it. Encouraged it. What else can you do when that is what you were taught all your life?

A shape in the distance.

Don’t notice me!

I’m not here.

Things began to change in my 20s’. I wanted more. I wanted different. I had spent so much time crafting my own reality that I didn’t know how to interface with others. The collective consciousness was alien to me. Yet I wanted out. I felt old. Stagnated. It was the way others wanted me to be and for a long time I believed that what others wanted was all that was important. There was no meaning in “me”, only “them”. No purpose in “I”, only “you”.

So I reached out… and fell. I fell hard. Not in the ways that others fall. I’ve seen the wrath of substance addiction, it runs in my family, and I could easily see myself going that way. It’s why I avoid such things. The idea of being out of control of myself is more terrifying than the fear and pain I experience without them. When I fall I crumple. Like a sheet of paper. I fold up into a ball and roll away into whatever corner I can find and then just stay there. It can actually be more harmful since often people can’t or won’t see it as an issue. Drink too much? You’re an alcoholic. Take illicit drugs? You’re an addict. Avoid the world at large? You’re just shy, or something equally as pedantic and condescending.

I need to sleep. My body is tired. I feel weak. Nauseous. Everything seems to upset my stomach lately and my throat is still hurting from last night when I was awoken when I tried to inhale some stomach acid that I had re-fluxed. It can be pretty scary waking up choking on your own bile. Am I going to die here? Now? Or am I going to see another day?

Does it even matter?

This is all getting darker than I intended but I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. Tomorrow will be different. It’ll be a new day in a new world with all the same fears and pains and spelling mistakes of this one. It is what it is and what you make of it. Maybe I should study alchemy. I could learn how to turn shit into, well, anything else. Better or worse at least it would be different. That’s something, right?


What is this?

Wise Company

And I though those prepackaged diet meal things were a rip off. This though?


And they give you a 30 day money back guarantee… on a product that you would only need to use in an extreme emergency situation, which most of us will never encounter. I repeat:


And what happens if your only source of water is contaminated?

This is just too stupid for words.

One Month Later.

I got my Windows 10 upgrade and as of late I’ve been spending most of my time checking it out and playing with it. It’s definitely better than the disaster that Windows 8 turned out to be. The “live tiles” thing still doesn’t resonate with me though. The only one I have up still is the weather one. I do like the ability to create your own tiles and resize them. It makes it easier to create categories and then show level of importance in them based on the size of said tiles. Though the icons don’t seem to follow through well enough with the idea. They’re too small and they don’t take up enough space on the tiles. Also, I’d be much happier if you could control the size and shape of link tiles beyond simply having two size options. Being able to make my start menu look like a game of Tetris would be really cool.

And why, if I pin a link to a folder containing pictures to my star menu, don’t I have the ability to set that tile to cycle through those pictures? There is a tile that will do that but it’s a designated photo tile. I don’t keep all my pictures in one place though so why should that functionality be locked to one tile?

Then there’s the lack of ability to pin tiles to the desktop. I’d probably use more of them if that were possible. I don’t want a huge start menu. Being able to put secondary tiles on the desktop that I don’t want or need to see whenever I open the start menu would be great, and somewhat make up for them axing gadgets for no real reason.

Now don’t get me wrong, gadgets weren’t all that amazing to begin with but at least they were more functional than live tiles are. They could actually do thing outside of simply displaying information. Live tiles are good for quick information. Gadgets were good for quick activities. I don’t understand why they couldn’t blend the best of both of them and come up with something even better. I know that they pulled gadgets because of a “security issue” but the reality is that their reasoning for pulling gadgets would pretty much cover blocking the ability to download or install a program from, well, anywhere. The gadgets themselves weren’t dangerous. It was that people could write them to do malicious things, just like any other program. It’s sad that they threw them away so easily and replaced them with such a limited alternative.

I did find a way to get them back though. I have a few gadgets running on my desktop right now. They even seem to work better, run more smoothly, and take up less resources than I remember them doing on my Windows 7 desktop. There’s apparently a couple places you can get them from. I got mine from here:

Gadgets Revived

There was no junk or spamware that came with it. It simply installed the default gadgets that originally came with Windows and integrated it into my system like they had always been. Not a single problem so far. Now I’m busy hunting down other gadgets, though that site has quite a number of them as well. Microsoft sucks when it comes to maintaining, well, pretty much anything.

Okay, enough whining. I’m actually on the trail of some new gadget sites. Hopefully I’ll find something extra cool. And what is this xWidgets thing that I just ran across?