I’ve been wondering…

… am I depressed because I really am or am I hiding behind my depression as a means of avoiding-of escaping-from having to deal with my own life and the numerous problems that exist therein?

I’ve been getting threats about writing from a certain someone who wants me to write while they themselves are supposed to be neck deep in working on a book with someone else. Yes, I’m being dragged into being an editor. The horror… or something. Not that I don’t like to write (I have a rather innate talent for it), I just haven’t wanted to for years and having a metaphorical gun put to my head doesn’t seem like the most useful way to motivate me. I could be wrong of course.

I wouldn’t even know where to begin even if I wanted to. When I was younger I was flush with ideas. The first thing I would think about when I got up was writing and the last thing I thought about before going to bed (and sometimes even after) was writing. Then things changed. I changed. Now I think about writing so rarely it’s almost impossible for me to believe how much time and effort I once put into it.

When I was in high school I would sharpen a dozen or two pencils before class, fill up a binder with college ruled paper, and then spend as much time as possible just writing. Before school, between classes, at lunch, after school. My English teacher once told me that he was certain I was going to be a published author by the time I was 25. Twenty plus years later and I don’t even know who that person, the me who wrote so much that I developed a permanent dent in the side of my finger from the pencil pressing against it, was.

I don’t know why I wrote so much. I’m not sure what I was trying to achieve. Maybe nothing. Or maybe I was trying to drown out the silence between moments of sanity where bad thoughts happen and bad things are anchored.

Maybe I just liked it?

I miss just liking things.

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Well, that lasted!

Back into little-to-no-interest-in-doing-anything mode it seems. That was very quick and very short this time. I wonder why. Usually I can get some few weeks or maybe even a few months out of it but this time I think it lasted less than two weeks all together. I’m not happy about that and wondering if something’s wrong.

I haven’t actually been to see a psych doctor in almost a year now. There was a weird situation about this time last year and I ended up being dropped as a patient from my existing doctor. Usually that would be because of something I did but apparently it was some sort of paperwork issue on their end. So as usual when anything goes wrong, I dropped into hibernation mode until I could manage to muster the will to actually deal with the problem. So I finally go to sign back up with them only to find out my insurance doesn’t cover them any more. For some reason I was still covered while I was going there (since things changed while I was already a patient???) but now I can’t go back. I have to find a new place.

HIBERNATION!!!

And that’s where I’ve been in regards to dealing with my mental health since late last year. I don’t know when I’m going to be able to pull enough interest together to actually deal with it again. I’m already dragging my feet on signing up for a new primary care physician that’s closer to where I live and that’s not good. Being insulin dependent means I should never be without a doctor and yet here I am… doing nothing.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be bipolar. Actually having periods in your life when you feel GOOD and are able to get stuff, any stuff, done? I think it would be a lot better than simply feeling a little less like total crap for a while before sliding back down the pole of self-doubt and self-hate to the point where brushing your teeth feels like an insurmountable obstacle.

My emotions are sneaking up on me.

I think I’m going to go take shower now.

It’s harder to hear sobbing over running water.

How can I stop hurting people?

Uncomfort

Things have been comfortable around here lately. I haven’t posted in a while because… comfortable makes me complacent.

All’s quiet on the Western front!

But nothing is ever as it seems.

However, for right now I’ll play along. Not much good reason in looking a comfortable horse in the mouth unless I want to be uncomfortable. I do wonder some times if I am a “drama queen” but I doubt it. There’s a difference between seeking out confrontation and having it constantly thrust in your face beyond your control. I would rather avoid the “un” things in life than to embrace them.

My diabetes is much more under control, I seem to have stopped my ever increasing weight if not have actually started loosing it again, and I’ve been having much more success in controlling my once uncontrollable spending. Well, actually all three of those issues are really one in the same but breaking it down into three separate issues makes me feel like I’ve achieved more than I actually have as a way of encouraging myself to continue making changes for the better.

I’ve even been dabbling in my programming lessons again. It’s been months since I’ve even cracked open one of my books let alone actually done something with them. These all seem to be good portents for the future. I’m getting healthier, my finances are more under control, and I’m actually doing ANYTHING again.

So I’m in an up cycle right now. I wish I could just stay here. I’ll have a few months of passable if not down right happy and then… Let’s not talk about and then. I wouldn’t want to jinx anything.

Okay, so as a quick check in this isn’t much fun, right? There’s no real issues to report, I seem to be running smoothly, and the sun has actually been out lately. Am I complaining about things being better? Nope. Just documenting it for the next downward shift. I think it might help me to actually see my own words telling myself that things do and will eventually change. The darkness recedes, the clouds part, and the blue sky shines down, if only for a while. And when it goes away again, as is its want, it will return. It has to. How else can my brain make me feel like shit without first giving me hope before ripping it from my screaming hands?

No, stay away from the dark. Today is an up-beat day. Gonna listen to some great music, watch some 80s movies, and do enjoyable third thing.

I’ll think of something.

Or sleep.

Sleep is always good.