I’ve never really felt connected to anything or anyone. I’ve always felt like I was watching the world from the sidelines. I could never quite manage to get inside or even feel like I could be, something most everyone else appears to have little to no issue with. I was always just me, just sort of there. Often people never even noticed me. I wonder though if they really didn’t notice or simply chose not to. I can understand it being a purposeful choice; it would be so much easier that way after all; but I have no such choice. No such standing.
Looking at the world and the people in it, I realize just how far apart I exist from everyone else. School sucked, not much surprising there, but I literally didn’t care about my grades in the slightest. Never. Not even when I was younger and still could attend regularly. Hell, I won a perfect attendance award at one point. Did any of it matter to me? Nope. So when my grades began slipping after… you know… it didn’t bother me either. Oh, I’m getting a C in algebra? Whatever. My English teacher told me he was being forced to fail me because of absenteeism even though he told me I was one of the best students he had ever had? No skin off my nose. Things simply happened to me and I never felt like I had any choice in them.
When my mother refused to let me take that tutoring job I was offered at the adult school after I graduated, I simply accepted it as well. I feel like I had no agency. That none of it matters. None of it at all. I’m dropped by my high school. Here, go to adult school and get your GED. I get my diploma. Time to go to college! I fail out of college (really, I lost my grants and simply couldn’t afford to pay for it myself). Here, this security guard job will be perfect for you. Everything always happened to me. I never made anything happen myself. Even when my mother ended up going to the hospital I really didn’t do anything. I simply handed her the phone and she did the rest. In actuality I had been keeping the phone from her so really all I did was stop doing what I was doing.
I have zero faith in myself. Absolutely no self-esteem. If it’s possible, I’d say that I have negative self-esteem. I’m always willing to help build other people up, but for me it’s the gulag. I don’t deserve any better. I deserve to be punished for… I’m not sure what but I know I need to be punished for it. It’s why I absolutely hate those questions you get asked about your strengths. I have none! Don’t you understand that? Nothing! But of course that is not an acceptable answer so I’ve learned to lie. After I get the whole “See! There are good things about you!” talk, which I assume is supposed to help me to feel better about myself. Does it work? Nope. I don’t function that way. Nothing about me is good. Trying to convince me otherwise is futile.
Where is all this coming from, you ask? Well, I ask myself in lieu of you asking whether or not you actually do. I’m at another point where a decision will be made. Will it be made by me or will it once again be made by others? Do I even feel I have the right to make a decision myself? I’ve never had that right before. I’ve never felt the need. I just… wanna be. Let me collapse into my self-misery and fade away.
I’m in my 40s’, the world keeps turning, and I keep watching from the sidelines, though not as much as I used to. The show has gotten boring. The spectacle has warn off. So I watch from time to time but keep my distance. Nothing good has ever come from trying to “fit in”. At least nothing that I’ve seen in my pitiful and pointless existence.
I’m old and worn out. Always have been… Always have been. I wish I could understand, if only for a moment that I could know that which everyone else seems to know but me. They’re not alone. There are others. They can build connections. All I seem able to do is burn them down.
How can I fall when I never got up in the first place?