I’m not sure what I’m doing. I’m beginning to feel depressed again. Well, I’ve always felt depressed but I’m starting to slip into a deeper depression than I usually experience. I feel pointless. I feel useless. Why am I here? Why do I exist? I’m just a burden on everyone. All that I am, all that I do. None of it matters.
I feel so lost and tired. I’ve been looking back at my past and seeing all the missed chances. Sometimes it feels like I purposefully sabotaged my own life. As if I was trying to keep myself trapped here on purpose. Why? I don’t know. I just know that I don’t want to be here and yet I can’t seem to escape no matter what I do. I’m wrapped in a cocoon of failure and regret that tightens and tightens whenever I try to break free of it. It won’t let me go. Or is it that I won’t let me go? I don’t know, and I don’t have the faintest clue what to do about that.
After my high school dropped me due to absenteeism I ended up going to an adult school in order to get my diploma. That, combined with taking the GED, led to me finishing high school only a semester later than I would have had I not been dropped. My teacher at the adult school really liked me. She liked me so much in fact that she told me that she had a job for me if I wanted it. She was going to hire me as a tutor. I was so excited. I was graduating high school and I already had a job offer! I took my graduation forms and went home ready to come back and accept her offer.
My mother said no. Instead I would start college the following year. It didn’t matter that that was still half a year away and that I could have worked at the school until then. She had decreed that I was to go to college and nothing else was going to get in the way of that.
And I acquiesced. What else could I do? I didn’t have the foggiest idea of how the world worked. I had been sequestered in my room for so long that I had very little experience with anything. I had no idea that I had let her steal one of my chances away from me. I simply gave it to her because I didn’t know any better. Instead, I ended up working nights for a crappy private security company.
Things like that have happened to me so many times in my life. An opportunity presents itself and I either don’t recognize it, run and hide from it because it scares me, or I let someone else (usually it was my mother) interfere or steal it from me.
Now I’m middle age sharing a one bedroom apartment with someone who’s even crazier than me. Don’t get me wrong, I love Robert, I just feel trapped sometimes. And there’s this overwhelming feeling of failure always hanging over me and everything that I do. Nothing goes right. Ever. Even when things aren’t a complete failure they come out twisted or distorted. Like my life is being reflected in a fun house mirror.
The music is inside of me. Other people look and they laugh. I look and I cry. I don’t see what they see. I can’t be what they are. Bury it. Bury it all. Smile for the people. Everyone loves a clown.
Everyone loves a clown.