You know, I realized I make my life sound absolutely terrible when the reality is, it isn’t. spend much of my time doing nothing. I wander the internet reading. I rarely engage as, and I know I’ve said this before, it’s simply not safe unless you’re willing to compromise your integrity and say what everyone else wants you to say. I’m not going on another internet tirade, though I easily could, just stating a fact.
Here’s how a usual day for me goes:
Of course we all start by waking up. For me, that depends on how late I was up the night before. Often, Robert will insist that I stay up with him for company. He sleeps really irregular hours and I get dragged into that more often than I’d prefer. So by morning I’m either waking up, or just getting to bed. We’ll pretend that I’m waking up, as that’s what’s happening today.
I wake up and then… Well, usually I spend several hours on the internet doing next to nothing. Read a few sites I follow, do some searches, feel betrayed by myself and the world when I inevitably see other people with actual lives actually doing things. And I’m in bed the whole time still. The bedroom is our main social area. We have a living room but don’t really have anything in it. A coffee table with a record player and our fake Christmas tree we bought at Walmart on it and a broken futon comprise the furnishings.
After waking up and playing on the internet for hours, Robert then wakes up. This will usually be around noon or even as late as 3 or 4 in the afternoon depending on when we went to bed the previous night. This is when we’ll talk about getting something to eat. I’m trying to break myself of eating late at night but it’s really hard and Robert keeps snacks by his bed so I’ll often hear him snacking away in the middle of the night when we’re both supposed to be sleeping. Now then, we’ll talk about food but may or may not actually eat anything. Either way, the TV goes on at this point and much garbage is watched.
Chores are then decided upon for the day. These may consist of dishes, vacuuming, sometimes laundry, sweeping, mopping, the usual. I despise dishes so Robert usually does those. Laundry is my chore. I vacuum most days, as Robert gets really O.C.D. if I don’t. He sweeps outside and we take turns sweeping and mopping inside. I do all of the food preparation but getting Robert to help clean up afterwards is like pulling teeth.
Whether we eat or not, much garbage TV is watched from Netflix to our cable DVR to, ahem, downloaded videos. We spend most of the time more talking over the shows than actually watching them. Rewind is a godsend, especially when one of us is talking and we miss something important or especially funny. We’ve been watching Soap recently. It’s an amazingly hilarious show from the late 70s/early 80s. We both agree it’s the Drawn Together of its time. Saw a huge amount of protests and backlash as well. People are so dumb and never learn.
More TV, lots of chatting, food is gotten at some point, Robert continually asks me to do simple things that he could easily do for himself, I whine then usually do them anyway. After we eat a nap is often taken. This would be around 2 or 3 in the afternoon on a day when we wake up around 10 or 11 in the morning. We lay down. Robert sleeps. I play online. I finally start to get sleepy and Robert wakes up ready to watch more trash TV. I get up annoyed that I didn’t get to sleep myself, but relent and watch crap with him.
Leading into the early evening there is talk about showers or brushing teeth. Sometimes they happen. Sometimes not. Sometimes I shower in the morning instead. Either way it’s discussed but no definites are decided upon. Then one or both of us decide to do something and that will often interfere with whatever the other wants to do. I want to take a shower, Robert decides he wants to brush his teeth or use the bathroom for some other purpose. That kind of thing.
This is also when we’re deciding if we’re going to eat again, or at all if we haven’t eaten yet. Sometimes we will have come up with an idea for something earlier or the day before, but that often will get thrown out for something easier or quicker. Usually Robert will decide he doesn’t want to have to deal with a lot of dishes so will tell me to throw something in the oven or run around the corner to Taco Bell, even though he knows it gives me terrible gas.
Then we eat, or eat several hours later. Anywhere between 5 and midnight. Sometimes even later. More trash TV is watched. More complaining about chores is done. More begging me to do simple things occurs as well, which I eventually capitulate to if only to get him to shut up. And of course sleep is often completely ignored until one of us actually feels like doing it. Then the negotiations begin.
If it’s Robert ready to sleep I just roll over and get on my laptop until I can fall asleep as well. If it’s me ready to sleep… Since Robert sleeps very odd hours and can actually operate on as little as two hours a night, it becomes an issue for me. I need several hours, eight or nine in a straight line, in order to feel awake. Robert, not liking that, will complain and beg. He really gets lonely even if it’s only to keep me up on my computer while we’re doing completely different things. He always wants me to stay up with him. Sometimes I get to sleep when I want. Often I’m up half or the whole night with him. Snacks will be consumed during this time as well.
Then we go to sleep (or not) and the cycle begins anew.
More recent breaks involve doctor’s appointments and Robert’s group that he attends every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday in the afternoon. I’m usually at home getting things done that I can’t while he’s around. You know, “things”. They shall not be named in specifics.
I suppose you could call this a “charmed life” as I have little want and little worries outside of bills and rent and, you know, not dying. Either way, I’m simply not happy. I’m not happy with it and I’m not happy with myself. Especially now with my foot keeping me down. I’m supposed to be going to the YMCA while Robert is at group. Instead, I’m still stuck at home, but this time not by choice. And I still haven’t heard anything from either of my doctors of what they think I should do.
I think I’m going to roll over and try to get some more sleep before Robert wakes up. Gotta remember to sort my meds for the week when I get up as well.
I hate my life.
And my life.
Did I mention myself?