Uncomfort

Things have been comfortable around here lately. I haven’t posted in a while because… comfortable makes me complacent.

All’s quiet on the Western front!

But nothing is ever as it seems.

However, for right now I’ll play along. Not much good reason in looking a comfortable horse in the mouth unless I want to be uncomfortable. I do wonder some times if I am a “drama queen” but I doubt it. There’s a difference between seeking out confrontation and having it constantly thrust in your face beyond your control. I would rather avoid the “un” things in life than to embrace them.

My diabetes is much more under control, I seem to have stopped my ever increasing weight if not have actually started loosing it again, and I’ve been having much more success in controlling my once uncontrollable spending. Well, actually all three of those issues are really one in the same but breaking it down into three separate issues makes me feel like I’ve achieved more than I actually have as a way of encouraging myself to continue making changes for the better.

I’ve even been dabbling in my programming lessons again. It’s been months since I’ve even cracked open one of my books let alone actually done something with them. These all seem to be good portents for the future. I’m getting healthier, my finances are more under control, and I’m actually doing ANYTHING again.

So I’m in an up cycle right now. I wish I could just stay here. I’ll have a few months of passable if not down right happy and then… Let’s not talk about and then. I wouldn’t want to jinx anything.

Okay, so as a quick check in this isn’t much fun, right? There’s no real issues to report, I seem to be running smoothly, and the sun has actually been out lately. Am I complaining about things being better? Nope. Just documenting it for the next downward shift. I think it might help me to actually see my own words telling myself that things do and will eventually change. The darkness recedes, the clouds part, and the blue sky shines down, if only for a while. And when it goes away again, as is its want, it will return. It has to. How else can my brain make me feel like shit without first giving me hope before ripping it from my screaming hands?

No, stay away from the dark. Today is an up-beat day. Gonna listen to some great music, watch some 80s movies, and do enjoyable third thing.

I’ll think of something.

Or sleep.

Sleep is always good.

Things that are weird.

So… I found out my sister died. Apparently it was back in February and I just found out about it the other day because someone was running  an online campaign to raise money for her memorial/funeral/whatever. We grew up together and even though we lived together until I was almost 30 (weird family situation) we were never that close. I haven’t been in contact with her in almost a decade. It’s just strange running across something like that online, as if it were a regular every day thing.

Stranger still is how I feel. I don’t really care. I think I tried to make myself care for a bit there but it felt forced and then I started to feel bad for not feeling bad. Apparently I’m a sociopathic monster for not feeling bad that my sister died. I’m more upset with how that makes me appear to be in relation to  other people.

I don’t know about everyone else but why should I feel bad about someone dying if I had a terrible relationship with them, even if they were immediate family? Without getting into specifics, if there was a law concerning who could and couldn’t have children neither I or my siblings would have been born, and for good reason. I’m not saying that I’m happy that she died or anything, I’m simply apathetic.

The whole situation is really confusing to me.

For the better part of my life I never knew anyone that died. We had tons of pets that died when I was a kid, and I would often find myself sobbing uncontrollably when they did. Then I had a roommate that committed suicide and I didn’t really feel anything. I mean it was upsetting and I was angry at the world and the system for failing him but I didn’t cry and I didn’t feel that upset about it personally. He was a roommate but we were never close. Should I feel bad that I wasn’t more upset about it?

Years later I had another friend that I actually was a bit close to that died and I was very upset about it. I’m not sure that I having found the body had anything to do with it but… Wow, even using these oversimplified explanations makes my life sound like a complete disaster. Guilty as charged.

So my sister, who lived here in the same city as me, that I grew up with but haven’t seen in years, died earlier this year and I didn’t find out about it until now and… well… I really don’t care. I don’t think that’s normal but really, what is? I’m not even thinking about my own mortality or anything. Sure it crossed my mind but that’s about it. I’m feeling more apathetic about it as time passes as if less and less of it makes sense or even matters.

Reality sucks.

Life sucks.

I really need to find something to distract myself with.

WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where the HELL did autumn go? So it’s hot all the way through Halloween. Then it’s intermittently rainy the next two days followed by clear skies. It’s now November 3rd and it feels far more like winter than it should. Suddenly the daily temps are all in the high 60s instead of the low 80s like they were just a few days ago. The chill in the air is much, much stronger. That nipping chill that burns your sinuses when you breath in deeply.

WHERE. IS. MY. AUTUMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HAAAAAAATE CALIFORNIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY WAS I EVEN BORN HERE!!!!!

I don’t ask for much. I don’t need the deeply stratified seasons that other parts of the world get. I just wanted a few weeks of my favorite time of year. That deep earthy smell from wet soil and decomposing leaves. A light breeze with tepid temperatures. Calming and comfortable as the shadows grow up. I remember it well from my childhood, when it used to still exist.

But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…………….. Can’t have that! I live in California which, much like the African savanna, has all of two seasons: Ass-rape hot and whatever the hell other one is. Wet? No, worse than that. Uncomfortably moist… mmmmmmoooooooooooooiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssttttttttttttt…

Fuck you. Just, just fuck you.

…

Autumn is upon us. My favorite time of year. Have I been enjoying myself? Not hardly. The weather has been a disaster, still warm enough often to need the air conditioner to tolerate it. But here we are the day before Halloween. All Hallow Eve’s… eve if you will. My favorite holiday from my favorite season.

I am not enjoying that either. No decorations have been put out. Hardly any horror movies have been watched. Little candy (I can’t say none) purchased. A massive amount of sleeping and allergy medications consumed in their stead. Today I feel tired and confused. My head is twitching as if I haven’t slept in days while the opposite is true. My forehead feels warm and I find myself wanting to crawl into a dark corner and… what? Cease for the time being? Hibernate until my body can come to grips with whatever it is that has been haunting me these past few weeks filling my tiresome days with fitful coughing and strange, scratchy, almost modern Batman-esque vocal sound effects?

I don’t want to be Batman.

I don’t even like Batman.

The air smells immaculate this evening. There’s still a bit too much warmth in it but I can smell the soil and can see the fallen leaves scattered about the front and back porches. I still have hope of enjoying myself, even if only fleetingly, before the cold icy grasp of winter draws across the land.

Who am I kidding? The way the weather has been acting this year it’ll be 95 degrees on Thanksgiving! God do I hate California. And allergies. Specifically my allergies. Of which I am allergic to.

HISTAMINE!!!!!! FROM HELL’S HEART I FLONASE AT THEE!!!!!

Why does South Park suck so much all of a sudden anyway?

Havin’ a Bad Day?

I dunno… I’m not sure what kind of day I’m having right now.

Has it really been three weeks since my last post? My how time flies. But look, I have returned and I post again! That’s a good sign. No, really! it is! If this were any of my hundred or so plus past attempts to actually maintain a blog I would have deleted it by now. The fact that I’m posting something new is actually remarkable. I wonder if I’ll be able to stick with this one.

I need to find something to do. My little circle of influence on the internet seems to be shrinking by the day. I have so few sites that I visit any longer, and even fewer with any amount of regularity, that I’m beginning to wonder why I’m even wasting money on an internet connection any more. I suppose it’s because of Netflix and Hulu. Years ago I never would have imagined that I would be going weeks or even months without watching any live TV. Now I almost never do. It kind of helps that everything on TV today sucks in the first place.

My programming studies, C++ in particular,  seem to be coming along. I was stuck for a while on the idea of classes and I just couldn’t seem to get over that hump. Well, I’m mostly over it now… mostly. There’s some things I still don’t quite understand but I’m tired of going over them. I’ll come back to it later and have a eureka moment I’m sure. That’s usually how things work for me. If I can’t grasp something, if I leave it alone for a while and then come back to it all of a sudden I’ll understand it. It doesn’t always work that way and sometimes I have to return to it a few times but it almost always ends up working out in the end. Or I make it my life’s mission to hunt down and slaughter anyone even remotely connected with the subject. Heh, heh, heh… Ahem.

I need to check my blood sugar and probably eat something. Being diabetic can be a real PITA I’ll tell you wuht. Spell check doesn’t like that little colloquialism hmm? Well tough! I see that little red squiggly line under that word there. Guess what? It’s staying. I’m not changing it. I refuse to conform to your preconceived notions of spelling. This is my blog and I’m gonna do whatever I want to do with it!

Yeah, I need to go do something else. I think my brain is turning into tapioca. I love tapioca. I dunno why everyone else seems to hate it. Yummy, yummy, yummy. I wish I had some tapioca. Maybe I should go to the store and buy some…

Mumble, mumble…

…

… mumble…

Always and Never

I get this bug from time to time. It tells me that I need to write. That I need to express something that I just can’t get out any other way. It’s actually been a while since the last time. A couple of years I believe. Still, I’ve been under a lot of stress lately and there are a number of things that I need to release that I can’t expose to the people around me.

The secret is the most precious and most dangerous thing that we as individuals can, and sometimes must, possess.

I’m not certain what I’m going to be using this site for just yet. Is it going to be a place for me to explore myself? I’m not sure how safe that would be without proper guidance. My interpersonal relationships? I don’t know if it would be right to discuss such private matters. The numerous interests I have from science and technology to religion and philosophy? I would very much like to but often such subject matter is seen as taboo. How about we just play it by ear. How about some introductions?

Hi! My name is Daniel and I’m a middle-aged, over-weight, balding, Caucasian/Hispanic male from California. I like to talk about things that most people would run screaming from. My opinions can be harsh and I’m often as stubborn as a mule. I’m currently in a committed non-monogamous relationship. We’re free to play though neither of us is much interested in sex so it’s not an issue either way. I’m comfortable with where I am. Happy is a word that I’m none too familiar with. I don’t drive. Don’t even know how to. Mostly a homebody. We both are. Despise the heat, which is bizarre having been born and raised in California, yet enjoy the cold. You’ll often find me running around in a T-shirt and shorts in 45 degree weather. I’ve taken to wearing a jacket whether I feel I need it or not in order to cut down on people staring. I’m pretty much and amalgamated collection of contradictions. Though, in the end, who isn’t?

I’ve written enough for now. The significant other has awoken and since I’m not certain what this site is going to be, I feel uncomfortable at the moment letting them know that I’m even working on it. Time to return to the me who exists not here… over there… when not here… there? It’s hard keeping track of all the different versions of me that are out there let alone the correct tenses to refer to them all with.

Off I go then.