The 40 Year Old Ver-… I Mean, Child

I suppose I should say it feels strange to be middle aged and still feel like I’ve yet to grow up but it’s all I’ve known so the reality is that it isn’t strange to me at all. I don’t even know why I’m talking about this other than the fact that I was offhandedly reminded of it by a web comic. Everyone else gets to grow up except me.

I’ve been told that’s not necessarily a bad thing though. That everyone wishes they could be a kid again now and then. It’s bullshit. They want to be adults with the same responsibilities as a kid. They don’t really want to be kids again. I know I don’t want to feel like this any more, like I’m faking everything. The worst part is, I still look like a kid. Or did anyway, before the great hair recession. Now I look like a kid on chemo. The universe has an interesting sense of humor.

So… My health is still weird. Low blood pressure incidents still happening from time to time. They’re definitely tied to exercising. Why? I’ve no idea, just that that’s when they’re most likely to happen. I’ve talked about the eye thing, right? About how my optometrist now thinks it’s just a genetic situation? If I haven’t, I have now. Yep, random genetic chance that I might be going blind in my left eye. Add that to the 20% hearing loss I have in both ears and I’m well on my way to playing Helen Keller in an off-Broadway musical about her life. Or on-Broadway. Not that I would be able to tell the difference either way.

Did something terrible to my left foot yesterday. Yeah, left side again. I was walking home from a doctor’s appointment when I felt like I stepped on something, like a small stick, that crunched under my weight. I remember it felt odd, and for some reason seemed to hurt a little bit, but it didn’t seem like that big of a deal. Cue several hours later when I got up from a bit of a rest. Well… tried to get up anyway. Putting any weight on my foot was excruciating. This morning my foot was hugely swollen. Still is. So now I’m laid up in bed hoping that this isn’t something worse than–I actually have no idea what. Something literally crunched inside my foot. I don’t even want to imagine what could have caused that.

I’ve been trying to get my foot and ankle x-rayed for a while now. Finally got the paperwork all sorted for that yesterday. I think I’m going to go down and get that taken care of tomorrow morning. Perfect timing, I hope. Or terrible timing. Or whatever honestly. I’m really losing interest in all this crap. One step forward, ten steps back. That’s what it feels like anyway. When does it get better? Easier? When does the effort start to pay off?

I’ve been lied to.

Again.

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