So tired… Of what though?

I was bad, kinda. Got my new meds today and I took more of a specific one of mine than I should have. Trying to be discreet here while also being somewhat honest. It’s embarrassing is what it is. I hate that I’m always so embarrassed about myself and everything that I do. Let me just say it, if only one time: Once in a while I abuse my psych meds. My Gabapentin to be precise. It helps me to relax, sleep, just ignore all the crap going on around me for a day or two. Kinda makes me feel drunk but it’s different. You don’t loose your inhibitions. Just your balance. And you want to sleep. A lot.

Don’t do it often because I do need to take my Gabapentin daily for my neuropathy. It really, really helps with that. I remember being able to hold chopsticks again after I started taking it because I have neuropathy in my thumb and the first two fingers of my hand. For me, it’s really been a godsend in that regard and I don’t understand why it took my psych doctor to prescribe it for me when my GP should have done it years before.

One problem though is that it can mask the symptoms of high blood sugar that I experience. I can check and be over 250 without even knowing it. Usually my feet start to hurt when I’m over 150 for a while. By 200 I start to get a throbbing headache in my forehead. When I abuse my Gabapentin all of that can be hidden from me. So I need to take it daily to keep my neuropathy in check but if I take too much it can hide symptoms of dangerously high blood sugar. It’s a balancing act that I shouldn’t even be doing. But I am.

Robert took off. Said he had to “get out of here”. I asked him to bring me some ice cream because I’ve been craving it. I laid down for a while and he came back with a milkshake from Wienerschnitzel. I inhaled the thing. Was gone in maybe a few minutes. Then we got into a fight over money when I checked my bank account and saw a specific type of charge from a certain store that told me he was withdrawing money for his crap again. I let him have $80 on Monday. We had some cash to deposit and I saw that he had held on to $80 of it. I said nothing. But to go through it and STILL be pulling cash out in two or three days? I don’t know what to do. I really don’t know what to do. He keeps missing all of his appointments as well. He’s supposed to be in therapy too but it seems like going to his first appointment set something off inside of him.

Is this ending?

Is this finally ending?

God do I hate this part… When I hurt people… I always hurt people and hurting people hurts me.

I don’t want to hurt anymore.

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