What do you do? In time… in time.

I’m a fidgeter (shut-up spell check). I fidget a lot. A lot, a lot. For months I was fidgeting with C++. Then Windows 10 was released and I fidgeted with that. Recently I’ve been fidgeting with Debian. I actually have eight Debian… 8… installs running in virtual machines. I fidget with them, reset them, download tons of crap, reformat them. It’s fun and I like it. I just-. What is the point of all this fidgeting?

Been feeling lost again. I’m not fond of when the shadows come and pin me down. I can’t see the world rushing by and before long I’m out of step and then forgotten. I used to enjoy being forgotten, when I was younger, when I didn’t know any better. I embraced it. Encouraged it. What else can you do when that is what you were taught all your life?

A shape in the distance.

Don’t notice me!

I’m not here.

Things began to change in my 20s’. I wanted more. I wanted different. I had spent so much time crafting my own reality that I didn’t know how to interface with others. The collective consciousness was alien to me. Yet I wanted out. I felt old. Stagnated. It was the way others wanted me to be and for a long time I believed that what others wanted was all that was important. There was no meaning in “me”, only “them”. No purpose in “I”, only “you”.

So I reached out… and fell. I fell hard. Not in the ways that others fall. I’ve seen the wrath of substance addiction, it runs in my family, and I could easily see myself going that way. It’s why I avoid such things. The idea of being out of control of myself is more terrifying than the fear and pain I experience without them. When I fall I crumple. Like a sheet of paper. I fold up into a ball and roll away into whatever corner I can find and then just stay there. It can actually be more harmful since often people can’t or won’t see it as an issue. Drink too much? You’re an alcoholic. Take illicit drugs? You’re an addict. Avoid the world at large? You’re just shy, or something equally as pedantic and condescending.

I need to sleep. My body is tired. I feel weak. Nauseous. Everything seems to upset my stomach lately and my throat is still hurting from last night when I was awoken when I tried to inhale some stomach acid that I had re-fluxed. It can be pretty scary waking up choking on your own bile. Am I going to die here? Now? Or am I going to see another day?

Does it even matter?

This is all getting darker than I intended but I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. Tomorrow will be different. It’ll be a new day in a new world with all the same fears and pains and spelling mistakes of this one. It is what it is and what you make of it. Maybe I should study alchemy. I could learn how to turn shit into, well, anything else. Better or worse at least it would be different. That’s something, right?

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